Gold, Frankincense and Ribbon Candy

Throughout the Christmas season I always like to carry some hard, ribbon candy in my pocket. You just never know when you may need a quick and easy gift for the Holidays.

If you walk out one day to check the mail and you see your crazy neighbor lady waving you over with one hand while holding a small wrapped box in the other, it's a good thing you have some hard, ribbon candy in your pocket. Sure it would be better if you had a whole box of the stuff - old people love hard, ribbon candy. But hey, you were just checking the mailbox for Christmas cards. The old nut should be happy she's getting anything especially since you know that the present she's about to give you is just next year's supply of hard, ribbon candy.

While you're out at the mailbox, be sure to leave a piece of hard, ribbon candy in there for your postal worker. He or she really has it rough during the holidays driving around and putting cards into little boxes. A nice piece of hard, ribbon candy would be a nice break in the day.

But hard, ribbon candy isn't just for gift giving. Sometimes it can be used to solve special Christmas problems. Like when you are in Wal-Mart and there's a little kid screaming that he wants the new Spiderman doll that poses in 180 different positions. One look on the mom's face and it's clear that either the kid is already getting the damn thing for Christmas or the kid is never going to get it because he's a spoiled little brat. Either way, reach down in your pants pocket and pull out a little piece of hard, ribbon candy and give it to the boy. Sure, he'll have a sugar high for hours but at least he'll be sucking on that thing until you can get out of the store.

On your way out of the store, instead of pretending to look for you car as you pass by the Salvation Army person go ahead and walk up to him or her and engage in some small talk - "How's it going this year?" or "Not too cold out today, huh?" will usually do the trick. While talking be sure to look the person straight in the eyes while your hand slips into your pocket and breaks off a piece of hard, ribbon candy. If you slip the right size piece into the bucket it should sound just like a dime.

It's always good to leave a bowl of hard, ribbon candy in your living room for when unexpected guests drop by for a Holiday visit. However, if you have pets be sure to keep it out of their reach. One good lick by a big dog and instead of eight or nine pieces of hard, ribbon candy you'll have one giant lump of hard, ribbon candy. And that stuff is almost impossible to get apart once it's been licked. (Almost)