Yo Saturnalia!

Just outside of the ancient city of Rome there was a small village called Nuvia. The people of Nuvia were poor but festive. They were known to work hard through the summer months, toiling every bit of land good enough to hold seed. And in the winter they were known to throw some of the most outrageous holiday parties. This particular winter, Zeus had decided to join the Nuvians in their festivities. And on one particular evening he found himself sharing the bed with the most beautiful woman of the village – Adriana.
“What’s the matter Zeus? Those last three times I could tell something was on your mind?”
Zeus had transformed himself into a black bear to lure Adriana. But now he is resting on his back in ‘human-like’ form. “I’m sorry, my beauty, but this whole Saturnalia thing is starting to get to me. I didn’t mind so much when the Romans came in and changed my name. And I really don’t mind if those followers of Christ want to join in our orgies. But I think they are starting to take things too far.”
“What is it that you mean my handsome god?”
Zeus sat up and took a deep sigh. “Well, I was traveling through the local agora the other day disguised as a stallion. I just wanted to see what the people were up to. I was curious as to what the hot holiday gift was this year. It wasn’t long before I realized things had changed. I didn’t see one ‘Yo Saturnalia’ sign. And for that matter I didn’t hear anyone saying ‘Yo Saturnalia’. So I stopped at the olive oil booth and asked the vendor why he didn’t say ‘Yo Saturnalia’ anymore. He told me he was directed by management to be more sensitive to other religions and so he had to wish a ‘Merry Christmas’ to all of his customers. Do you believe that? Merry Christmas? It’s like they are trying to take the Saturn out of Saturnalia!”
Adriana put her arms around Zeus’ barrel chest (he was now in the form of a gorilla.) “Don’t worry Zeus. I’m sure this ‘Christ’ thing is just a fad. People will never stop celebrating Saturnalia.”
“Oh I’m not so sure my dear. It got worse. I went to the town square to see how the people decorated the statue of Aphrodite making love to a Centaur. And do you know what they had put right next to that holy statue? A manger scene! Apparently this Christ guy’s parents were too cheap to get a room at the inn and the kid was born in a horse stall. And now the Christians put a manger scene on the town square! Is nothing sacred?!?!”
Adriana withdrew her arms from around Zeus. She looked at him serenely and said, “Maybe what I heard is true.”
“What?! What is it?! What did your hear, woman?!?!”
“Now calm down darling. I’m sure it’s just a rumor. But I overheard some Christians talking about their leader, the Pope, naming December 25th the official birthday of Christ.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Zeus jumped out of bed, now in his human-like form, threw on his toga and headed for the door.
“Where are you going my love?”
“I’m going to make sure that these humans never forget that Saturn is the reason for the season!”
Zeus stormed down the street with a mission – he was going to burn every fir tree in every home in all of Rome. People had been cutting down evergreen trees and placing them in their homes for hundreds of years, as the one tree that remained green throughout the winter it symbolized fertility. Of course it only survived in your home if the family goat didn’t drink all the water from the bowl the tree was placed in.
It did not take the master of the gods very long to zap all of the fir trees in the land. When he was finished he hid in one of the local homes to see the anguish of the people who had just lost their evergreen tree.

“Wife! Will you please come here and tell me what has happened to our beautiful evergreen tree?”
“It appears to be on fire dear husband.”
“Actually, my love, it appears that all of those wax decorations you placed on the tree are now on fire. And I must say it is quite lovely. It’s as if the tree was sparkling.”
“Yes husband. It is beautiful. I think we should put lights on the tree every year.”
“I agree honey. Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas to you my love!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

That last scream resonated through the land and the oceans, waking one of Zeus’ brothers – Poseidon (or Neptune, take your pick.) “My brother! What is it that disturbs you so?”
Zeus turned to see Poseidon stroking his grey beard with one hand and holding his trident in the other. “Oh little brother. It is good to see you. I think I need your help. These humans are losing the meaning of Saturnalia. They are replacing all of our wonderful traditions with new ones about a guy named Christ. And when I tried to punish them, I only made things worse.”
“Yes. I saw the Christmas trees. They really are quite nice.”
“POSEIDON!”
“I’m sorry brother, forgive me. But I have always found water to be more damaging than fire. Let me give it a try.” Poseidon raised his trident in the air and said a few words in Latin. Suddenly, in every home in all of Rome a gush of water swept through all of the living rooms.

“Wife! Wife! Come here quickly. Our home is being flooded.”
“Oh dear husband what are we to do?”
“Well it doesn’t seem to be too bad. The Yule log is still burning in the hearth. It just needs to be stoked a bit. First I need to take off these stockings and hang them from the mantle to dry.”
“Oh husband, look at all of our Christmas presents. The wrapping paper is soaked.”
“Not to worry my dear. Just put the gifts in my stockings here and they will dry out as well.”
“That’s a lovely idea husband. Perhaps that is where we should always put our gifts. That way we don’t have to worry about them getting damaged.”
“I agree wife. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you my dear.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Poseidon! Look what you have done! You made things worse!”
“I’m sorry brother but I was only trying to help.”
Suddenly a blast of fire appeared next to the two gods. When the smoke cleared, their brother Hades (or Pluto) appeared before them. “Hello boys what are you up to?”
“Oh are we glad to see you brother. I have been trying to keep alive the spirit of Saturnalia by squelching this new ‘Christmas’ idea.”
“Yes, yes. I have been watching from the underworld. Of course it was all in black and white but that’s the price I pay. Anyway, if you two are done bungling everything I have a pretty good idea. You may not know this but the only food we allow the dead to eat in the underworld is fruitcake.”
“Eeeeewwwwww!”
“My thoughts exactly. I have a staff of skeletons in hairnets making the stuff 24 hours a day. We’ve got enough stored up to get us through the next three plagues. So I was thinking that maybe we should share some of wealth. Let’s fill every kitchen in all of Rome with fruitcakes!”
“Hades! What a great idea. If that doesn’t kill their Christmas spirit nothing will.”
Hades snapped his finger, creating a spark and filling Roman kitchens with fruitcakes.

“Husband! Come here quick!”
“What is it my dear?”
“Oh wonderful husband, the gods have blessed us with fruitcakes!”
“Eeeeewwwwww! You call that a blessing?”
“Well husband, I thought we could use them to make a nice path from the road to our house for the Carolers. And then with whatever we have left over we give as presents for Christmas.”
“That’s a wonderful idea wife. We never know what to get your mother. And I’ll think I’ll give one to my boss. He should have never given Cocytus that promotion. I’m a much better shepherd.”
“Oh don’t worry dear. You’ll get the next promotion. Besides we only need each other to have a Merry Christmas.”
“You’re right wife. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you my love.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh I am sorry Zeus. If these humans can have a Merry Christmas with fruitcakes than I think we may be doomed.”
“Hades is right brother. I tried to ruin their presents you tried to burn down their trees. What else can we do?”
“I’ll tell you what we are going to do. We will summon Dionysus to bring us his best wine. We will call on Demeter to provide us with plenty of roast beast to eat. We will ask Aphrodite to give us her most beautiful women. We’re going to have the best damn office party this world will ever know! And we won’t be inviting any Christians!”