In Search of a Soul

My life is over. I have given up. I can no longer hold my head up. No, I did not witness a miracle and turn to religion. The Cubs did not win the World Series. My wife is not forcing me to go back to work. It is something much more serious than that - I am now the driver of a mini-van.

Ugh.

Don't get me wrong - it is a very nice vehicle. It has a GPS system and automatic doors and a DVD player and stow-and-go seating and everything else a family with nearly three children 'needs' in today's world. But it has no soul.

I can't believe I'm only a few years removed from driving a convertible sports car. A car that was certainly too small for a family of five but a lot more fun. Heck, we might have been able to fit three kids in the back of that thing. Who needs a five-point harness system? And for that matter a jeep should not be a bad choice for a family. The kids could spill anything possible on the floor and all you have to do is get the garden hose to wash it out. And jeep's are safe - they're built with a roll bar!

But now I have a mini-van. Ugh.

If you have never seen the movie Slapshot, stop reading this and go rent it. There is a scene where the bus driver is hitting the team bus with a sledgehammer. When they ask him what he's doing he responds, "making it look mean." That's what I need to do with the mini-van. I'll start with some flames down the sides. Yosemite Sam "Back Off" mud flaps are a good touch. I'll definitely need a Calvin peeing on something. Hydraulics may be too much and the kids could burn their legs and side pipes. Maybe I'll just add a General Lee horn. And I definitely need truck nuts.

Even if I don't get around to making the mini-van look mean, at least I can take solace in one fact. Technically, I did not buy a mini-van - Chick bought it for me.

Wait, that kinda makes it hurt more.

Ugh.