Merry New Year

So the kids have been in bed for a few hours and Chick has been upstairs for almost as long. And quite honestly I should have retired a while ago. But here I sit waiting to see one more year pass by.

11:33

I have attended quite a few New Year's Celebrations over the years. I don't recall most. The 2000 party was one heck of a time but I think I still have just a bit of a hangover from it. (A good party never leaves you.) But I have not celebrated the changing of the calendar much in the last few years. It's not just that I have gotten old or have more responsibilities - both are true. It's just that New Year's Eve is an amateur night. And I went pro a couple of years ago. Now, instead of running around drunk trying to kiss as many strangers as possible within 12 rings of the clock, I sit in my living room with a cheap beer writing a blog entry few people will ever read. How do I get my amateur status back?

11:47

Earlier I heard the song "Astral Weeks" by Van Morrison. I know that one of his best albums was titled Astral Weeks, but I don't ever think I heard the title song. It was quite good. Significantly better than whatever Gwen Stefani is singing right now on MTV. I'm pretty sure I am no longer a part of the MTV generation. What happened to Martha Quinn?

11:52

So the holidays are over and I never really got to write much about them. I still have to put something together about the Gingerbread Brothel. And where is my Tyco Glow-In-The-Dark eight-car loop-de-loop race track? I did get a pair of pants from my mom. She bought the right size and they fit nice. But Chick pointed out that they have an elastic waist-band. One more year, one more inch.

11:55

I have just a few minutes to find someone to kiss at midnight. The cat is upstairs with Chick. I don't dare wake up the kids. There are two dogs somewhere on the other side of the couch but I'm not sure where their tongues have been. So I guess I'll just celebrate the new year picking dandelions in the garden.

11:59

Scrooge Had It Easy

Last night I could not sleep. So I turned on the TV and started surfing. I stopped on ESPN Deportes to watch a billiards match - that should have done the trick. But in a short time I realized that it was not eight-ball I was watching, it was snooker. More specifically, the International Paul Hunter Memorial Snooker Championship. Now I don't know much about snooker but I'm willing to learn. The object seems to be to hit a ball off the rails a few times without hitting your opponents balls. But I couldn't figure out much more than that because it was being broadcast in Spanish - ESPN Deportes. My Spanish really is not that good. Come se dice "speak slower" en Espanol?

The reason for my bout of insomnia deals with the time of year. No, I'm not stressed about the holidays or even the fantasy football playoffs. I'm worried about the upcoming death pool draft. I'm afraid that I may be haunted by the ghost of the Circling Buzzard in my sleep. As the ghost of Death Pools past, Phyllis Diller shows up in a bikini to take me to the grave of Arthur Miller. Fidel Castro shows me the present day memorial/celebration parade in honor of Augosto Pinochet. And finally, Ariel Sharon arrives to take me to the future ceremony of George W. Bush posthumously receiving the Lifetime Nobel Peace Prize for his work in the middle east. That's when I wake up in a cold sweat with 'stay-the-course' ringing in my ears.

Dreams are a strange thing, especially this time of year. Joseph had an angel appear to him in a dream and he threw his wife on a donkey and headed to Bethlehem for the birth of a child that was not his. That's one heck of a dream. Of course, Ebenezer Scrooge's dream is the most discussed this time of year. But if he would have realized the dream was just a result of some bad acid he took in college, he could have saved a few more bucks. Martin Luther King had a dream, too. It did not really have anything to do with the holiday season. But I did get 22 points when his wife died last January.

My Desk is a Mess

I have come to hate messes and I do my best to get rid of them. I spend the majority of my days cleaning, vacuuming, wiping, straightening and dusting. But my computer desk is a complete mess right now. There are numerous ways to solve the problem of the messy desk. I could just shove everything into a large green plastic trash bag. I could methodically put everything in its place. I could pour lighter fluid on top of everything and light a match. I could pick up my laptop and go into another room. Or I could write about the mess.

I choose the latter.

There is a light saber on my desk. It's not a real light saber - that's upstairs. It's just a plastic toy one that Chick bought me a few weeks ago. Apparently she was shopping for presents to give to kids at her company's Christmas party and she decided that I needed a light saber. Well, another light saber. I am grateful for the gift and it reminds me of an interview I once read with Samuel L. Jackson. On his first day on the set of the filming for the fourth Star Wars movie he talked about going through wardrobe. They picked out some robes and such and then someone asked him to pick out his light saber. That's when he knew he made it as an actor.

There are two boxes of Christmas cards on my desk. One box has a Peanuts theme, the other is the Grinch. Is it any wonder that the Pilgrims were against Christmas because of its pagan traditions? There is a big story in the news regarding the Seattle airport that took down its Christmas trees. Apparently a Rabbi requested, and threatened to sue, unless a Manorra was placed in the terminal. The airport refused to cave-in to his demands so they removed the trees. My question is, when did the Christmas tree become a religious symbol? The last time I read the Bible, there was no fir tree in the stable. If anything, the Seattle christians should sue that Rabbi for suggesting that their religion is based on pine trees with pretty lights and tinsel!

The scariest thing on my desk is a candle. A Christmas tree candle. It's probably 12 inches tall and has bright eyes and a disturbing smile. I would burn it, but it could take days. And, for that matter, based on its silly grin, the thing might be alive and refuse to burn. It's really very scary. Remind me not to buy any more Christmas decorations at Big Lots.

There is a baseball on my desk. It is an official Major League ball. I caught it. Well, not exaclty. It bounced off of my hands and I grabbed it. Chick, my dad and I were at a business day special a few years ago down the right field line. And someone hit a screamer right at me. The best thing I can say is that I stopped it with both hands. Then it fell in front of me and I picked it up. And for some reason it has been on my desk ever since. And Rawlings is still imprinted on my palm.

There are three crayons on my desk. And a deck of cards. An instruction booklet for a breast pump. My latest E*Trade statement. A Birthday card I need to send tomorrow. A clock that I think is broken. A stack of football cards. A Cracker Jack stamp of Johnny Bench. A cross pen that needs a refill. Numerous notepads. A memory stick. A hockey puck. And a stress ball shaped like the Earth.

Where in the hell does this crap come from?

Christmas Wish List

Ebenezer Scrooge
- prescription for Lunesta

Frosty the Snowman
- 1 gallon of sunscreen - SPF 220

The Little Drummer Boy
- a good bassist and guitarist to complete a hard rock power trio

Joseph the Carpenter
- membership in Travelocity.com

The Grinch
- a high-powered rifle with a scope (that will stop the singing)

Bonet the Christmas Pig
- rings of pineapple and a honey glaze

Hermey, the 'dentist' elf
- track lighting and anything Prada

The Three Wise Men
- three loose women and a bottle of Jack Daniels

The Partridge in a pear tree
- any food that does not consist of pears

Tiny Tim
- a candy cane

Yukon Cornelius
- a weekend in Amsterdam

Santa
- A GPS navigation system so he can put Rudolph back in his place

Maurice the Christmas Donkey
- ribbon candy - lots of ribbon candy

The Still is Dry

It's been more than a week since anything was planted in this garden and yet there is nothing new to add. I've got beers and music playing and lots of things going on in life. But nothing worthy of the garden.

The other day I wanted to put a piece together involving a bunch of questions that I have been thinking about. Like, is it worse to put the kids in the car for a coffee run or a beer run? Or, do anarchists have regular meetings and do they follow the Peter Principles? And, what do Santa's elves give their children for Christmas?

But I never got around to writing that entry.

So then I was just going to recap everything that has happened in the last week. You know, everyday stuff. Like how in the last seven days Mo and I both had a cold and I got over mine but I'm still wiping her nose. At what point do kids learn how to sniff? It seems so simple - just inhale through your nose and the snot goes back up! But no. I've got to run around with tissues in every pocket waiting for that snot-bubble to burst so I can wipe it up before it runs into her mouth.

But I never got around to writing that entry.

The other day I came up with a great title for an entry: Putting the X back in Xmas. It's that time of year again when all the religious freaks come out to complain that not enough people recognize Christmas as the birth of Christ. Of course they don't realize that 'Christmas' has been celebrated for 4,000 years to commemorate the winter equinox. And in the fifth century the church told everyone that the equinox was also the same day Jesus was born, just so they could join in the pagan festivites. And as a further example of the ignorance of the religious freaks, the letter 'X' in Greek represents 'CHI', which has always represented the word 'Christ'. Of course, what would those people ever do with an education?

But I never got around to writing that entry.

I don't know if I can match some of the Christmas stories that I wrote last year. I am not sure which I like best, Hanging Around the Tree, The Christmas Pig or Yo Saturnalia! I enjoyed creating each those stories and I am not really sure I can do better. I have an idea about a kid that really wants a lump of coal for Christmas. He leaves Santa a plate of dry polenta and a glass of tomato juice on the fireplace. But Santa checks his list and finds out that the kid has actually been pretty good. So he gives the kid a pony that ends up eating the polenta.

Maybe I'll get around to writing that entry.