The American Way

Apparently there has been some hot discussion in political arenas over the new movie Superman Returns. I have not seen the movie so I can only rely on what I have read in the NY Times. It appears that so-called 'right-wing' talk show hosts have issues with what the great American icon has been doing with his life. But before these conservative media superstars tug on Superman's cape there is one thing they should think about - Superman is an illegal alien. And we're not just talking about some guy who swam the Rio Grande. This guy is from another planet. Yes, we all know how the Kent's found the boy and raised him in the town of Smallville. But I would like to take a good look at his birth certificate. Does he have a working visa? Or a green card? In the name of national security I think it would be best if they round up this immigrant and throw him into GITMO where he is presumed guilty until the proper tribunal can be held. Which of course would include a large vat of water and a dunking machine - if he sinks, he's a terrorist.

And don't get me started on Aquaman!

If there is a city of Atlantis - and who am I to suggest otherwise - it would be an ideal place for an off-shore, on-line casino. There are many such sites throughout the internet that provide a place for people to play some entertaining games with their hard earned money. But, once again, the U.S. government is planning on taking that right away from its citizens. And if I were Aquaman, the King of Atlantis, then I would have a serious problem with my ally in the war on terror. What is wrong with the people of Atlantis making a few extra bucks for its children. The days of looting merchant and pirate ships are gone and on-line gambling could be a huge source of income for the small city-state. Nonetheless, congress seems to think it knows where its citizens best spend their gambling dollars: Indian Reservations, State Lotteries, highly taxed racetracks and riverboats and church bingo halls.


There are two major differences in the popularity of Superman versus Aquaman. The first can be seen in the world of music. There are numerous popular songs that deal with the man of steel, including:

I Am Superman by R.E.M.
Superman Song by Crash Test Dummies
Jimmy Olson's Blues by the Spin Doctors
Kryptonite by Three Doors Down

But the only song that I can think of about Aquaman is Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed.

Secondly, Superman has a much better outfit. The royal blue suit with red cape and emlazonned 'S' on his chest shows the man's power. But what does Aquaman get? An orange shirt with green tights. Sure, the whole outfit is Prada but that really doesn't help his case.


I like to think I am a big supporter of our government funded Public Broadcast System. Whenever I see a band I like on Austin City Limits I am sure to hit the internet and download some of their songs. Of course my biggest support comes in the form of the numerous Sesame Street toys we have lying around the living room. But recently I have developed a problem with the Children's Television Workshop. I do not dislike, nor am I bitter towards the little red monster known as Elmo. But there is a serious flaw in the ongoing piece Elmo's World. Elmo has a goldfish named Dorothy and for as long as the show has been running the fish has lived. As adults it is our responsibility to teach our children about death and we all know there is no way a goldfish lives for eight years. One of these days Elmo needs to come home and find Dorothy floating. "Uh-oh. Dorothy dead. Elmo know what to do. Elmo flush Dorothy. Hee-hee." Until our government steps in to stop these lies that my tax dollars pay for I am boycotting Masterpiece Theater!

And don't get me started on Snuffleupagus!

Nightswimming

Tonight is perfect for skinny dipping. I just finished mowing the lawn and am working on a cheap bottle of wine. Mo and Chick are already upstairs and will be sleeping soon. The air is just the right temperature. Now all I need is a pool.

A pool is an integral part of skinny dipping. There is a pond at the front of our sub-division. It appears to be nice and clean but it's not really tempting enough to risk a night in jail. We have a new Elmo sprinkler that shoots water in all directions. But running around naked in the backyard isn't the same as swimming. At least not until I finish more of this wine.


"Oh, you always give people extra things Mr. McFeely!" - Mr. Rogers


I don't have any reason as to why I haven't planted much in the Garden the last few months. I haven't really been busy or doing anything different in my life. Actually, I have been on the lookout for some things to write about. Like the other day when I was behind a catering van on my way home from getting a Banana Mocha Frapuccino - Venti, of course. On the bumper of the van was the following statement: "Please don't toss me, I'm full of potato salad."

I'm just not exactly sure what that means. Is it a warning not to run into the van or there could be some serious roadside cleanup? Sort of like those old "Baby on Board" signs people used to hang on their rear windows. I can't honestly say I drove any safer when I saw one of those signs. Of course if I saw a Garfield stuck on the window....Ramming Speed!

But back to the potato salad. Maybe it is from a clever advertising campaign by the local caterer. A bunch of kids looking for trouble at the family picnic decide to throw their old relatives into the lake. When they head for Aunt Clara she yells, "Please don't toss me, I'm full of potato salad!"


"The country is run by extremists because moderates have shit to do!" - Jon Stewart, The Daily Show


Isn't a unicorn just a horse with a horn? And a zebra a horse with stripes? Chick seems to think that unicorns, zebras and horses are all different animals. She says that if a donkey is different from a horse and that if a donkey and a horse make a mule then unicorns and zebras are not horses. I would like to know what would happen if a zebra mated with a donkey? Would it be a striped mule or completely different animal altogether? That answer might solve our dilemma.


I think I need another glass of wine. And where's that sprinkler?