Otis On Deck

I am an outdoorsman. I am not a lumberjack - but I do wear a lot of plaid. I am not an athlete - but I pulled a muscle once. I am not a hunter - but I do enjoy a good Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd cartoon. I am an outdoorsman because I am sitting outside on my new deck. I'd like to think I'm more of a new age, 21st Century outdoorsman. I've got a laptop computer with wireless internet, a ballgame on the radio and chinese takeout for dinner. I don't yet have a TV out on the new deck but it will happen someday. Outdoor living is awesome!

By the way, if it starts raining I'm screwed - especially with this computer on my legs. I may have to move inside but just pretend I'm writing this whole thing under the stars, with the faint glow of the highway in the distance. It will help you stay in the mood of the piece.

A bug just crawled onto the computer and into the keyboard. I think it died under the CAPS LOCK. Nope - it's okay.

Just a quick word about baseball - if you happen to be betting on the games this year take my semi-professional advice and take the OVER in just about any game. There are a few pitchers doing well but for the most part runs are being scored like everyone is on steroids. Ironically, Barry Bonds is off to a horrible start - a .214 average with no HR's and 1 RBI.

At the grocery store today I witnessed a woman call her husband a dumb-ass. It was another old man who pointed out how cute my "little guy" was. His wife turned and looked at him saying, "Fred, you dumb-ass, she's got pink flowers on her jumper. Would you dress a boy in pink flowers?" I just grabbed the toilet paper I was reaching for and headed down the aisle - with a smile.

With all that is going on in this country concerning the problem with immigration there is a movement in my state, again, to make English the official language. I honeslty understand the argument for it, but I have many questions: Would Taco Bell have to change its menu? What about a Pizzeria? Would we have to refer to french fries as "chips" as they call them in England? Or cigarettes as fags? Would I be allowed to order a Heineken in a restaurant? Or a glass of Chardonnay? And when I'm done with my bier and vino do I have to wait in queu for the loo?

Chick is eating cotton candy. I bought her some today at the grocery store. It was the one thing we weren't able to find for Baseballius. But as I was walking through the Deli there was a bunch of it amongst some old easter candy. So I got her some. And in about 5 hours I am going to be woken up by a woman saying, "Henry keeps kicking me and I can't sleep." At this point I wasn't really sure where I was going with this, then I turned around to look through the window to see my very happy wife put the last piece of pink fluffy sugar in her mouth. I am doomed. But she is smiling - for now.

I am at a crossroad right now. This has been a pretty good entry. I haven't put anything into the Garden for a few weeks and tonight everything feels right. I could probably go on for a while, and, I think I will. If you are trying to read this crap on your lunch break you may want to pause here and come back later. It's only 9:27 on my clock, I've got a fridge full of beer, a daughter that sleeps until 7:30, a ballgame on the radio and some crazy thoughts in my head. Hold on tight.

The President today - oh, no, no, no - I'm not going there. The Pope today - oh, no, no, no - not going there either. Tom Cruise today had a child. That's what people want to hear about right? Forget about politics and religion, what are the Stars doing in their lives? There is a new movie out - I don't know the title - that makes a mockery of our society because more people vote on the American Idol than the President. Maybe that's the policy we need to implement in Iraq and Palestine. Just have a text-message election and everything will be all right no matter what Simon says.

A few days ago we lost Jack. Apparently he got out onto the deck without notice and he disappeared. I found him after a stressful 24 hour search underneath our neighbors car. It's been 10 years since Chick brought that crazy cat home. He ruled that apartment and the three houses that followed. He has lived through numerous goldfish, frogs and lizards and may have had somehting to do with some of their abbreviated lives. As we brought home the dogs and eventually Mo he always seemed to accept his place as he slowly moved down the Totem Pole. The thing is, it's the one on the bottom of the pole that holds everyone else up.

By the way, I bet the Over on 3 games tonight and have already won all 3 bets. None of the games are finished as I type this.

What?!?! Gambling is illegal? What country am I in? Nazi Germany? Communist China? The Soviet Union? Oh, that's right, the beacon of freedom, the trophy of human rights, the perfect republic - the good old U.S. of A. But wait a minute - I can't bet 5 bucks that the Phillies and Nationals will combine for 10 runs? What if I want to bet that 76ers will win the NBA title? Or the Patriots win the Superbowl? Or the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup? I'm not allowed? Really? I guess I'll just head out to the bar on Sunday morning and drown my sorrows in a mug of beer.

WOW - I need to stay away from the politics. Or at least I need to stay away from the idiotic politics while drinking beers on my deck on Thursday nights after betting on baseball games and feeling the need to opine. (That's a great crossword puzzle answer - Voice Thoughts, 5 letters.)

Okay, in an attempt to leave you in a much lighter mood I will give you a quote. In honor of the return of Jack, here is a bit of wisdom from Garfield:

Never leave your food dish under a bird cage.

36

As another year turns the corner for me I have done a little historical research. Here are some of the things people have accomplished in the 36th year of their life:

Vincent Van Gogh painted Starry Night - while in a mental clinic.

Poet William Blake wrote The Tyger.

Steven Spielberg created E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial.

Michelangelo painted The Creation of Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath.

Walt Disney released his first full-length feature film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Johann Sebastian Bach presented 6 concertos to the Margrave of Brandenburg.

Ben Hogan won the U.S. Open and the PGA Championship.

Paul Newman portrayed 'Fast' Eddie Felson in The Hustler.

Arthur Miller wrote the play The Crucible.

Don Knotts won his first Emmy Award for his portrayal of Barney Fife.

Babe Ruth hit his 600th Home Run.

Walt Whitman first published his collection of poems Leaves of Grass.

Robert DeNiro spent the year as boxer Jake LaMotta in Raging Bull.

William Shakespeare wrote The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.


So starting tommorrow I've got some work to do.

On the Second Day of Baseballius...

I hope everyone enjoyed their opening day festivities. I am sure a few of you celebrated in some way or another. And if you did, then tell me something - isn't Baseballius much better than Easter?

Apparently Pirates exist outside of Pittsburgh. In the news this evening there is a report of a fishing ship being overtaken by pirates off the coast of Somalia. It even managed to escape a chase by the U.S. Navy - of course the Pirates threatened to kill the remaining crew members. And that's not cool. I watched The Pirates of the Carribean just a few nights ago and I don't think anybody died in the whole movie. Of course, half of the cast was already dead. And then I guess they sort of died again. But that was because the British were a bunch of morons. But anyway, new age Pirates aren't cool.

"Anybody with ability can play in the big leagues. But to be able to trick people year in and year out the way I did, I think that was a much greater feat." - Bob Uecker

After the first day of the baseball season, I am not doing well in my fantasy leagues. The Playground Wedgies are in 8th place. The Hooterville Rabble are in 10th place. The Vatican City Hookers are in 5th place. And the Mt. Pilot Moonshine are in 5th place. But I like my teams' names.

Which is more idiotic? When a baseball announcer says "If he would have just hit that a little harder it would have been a Home Run" OR when a football announcer says "If that last guy doesn't tackle him, he would have scored a touchdown?"

I'm not the first person to ask this and I probably won't be the last, but why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? I just saw Bobby Cox of the Braves jog out onto the field to argue with the umpires. The guy is almost 65 years old and he's wearing a jersey with tight pants, stirrups and a pair of cleats. He should have plaid pants with a wide collar shirt, a white belt and a nice pair of loafers. The umpires have to be thinking "look a this old fart in the uniform! He can't hit. He can't pitch. He can't steal a base. And he thinks I'm going to change my call because he's wearing a uniform!?!? What a nut."

"Looking at the ball going over the fence isn't going to help." - Henry Aaron

With the celebration of Baseballius I have been opening many packs of baseball cards. My favorite has to be this year's Topps Bazooka Joe set. Each pack has a special 'blue' card, a super-thick card, a comic strip and a stick of stale gum. It also features many special inserts including stickers, tattoos and uniform cards. I recently received a uniform card for David Wright. That's a card with an actual piece of a game worn jersey attatched to it. He was my top pick for the Mt. Pilot Moonshine. It's a good sign.

"Look at him. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't chew and he doesn't stay out late -- and he still can't hit." - Casey Stengel as Yankees manager in 1956, on second baseman Bobby Richardson