Otis On Deck

I am an outdoorsman. I am not a lumberjack - but I do wear a lot of plaid. I am not an athlete - but I pulled a muscle once. I am not a hunter - but I do enjoy a good Bugs Bunny/Elmer Fudd cartoon. I am an outdoorsman because I am sitting outside on my new deck. I'd like to think I'm more of a new age, 21st Century outdoorsman. I've got a laptop computer with wireless internet, a ballgame on the radio and chinese takeout for dinner. I don't yet have a TV out on the new deck but it will happen someday. Outdoor living is awesome!

By the way, if it starts raining I'm screwed - especially with this computer on my legs. I may have to move inside but just pretend I'm writing this whole thing under the stars, with the faint glow of the highway in the distance. It will help you stay in the mood of the piece.

A bug just crawled onto the computer and into the keyboard. I think it died under the CAPS LOCK. Nope - it's okay.

Just a quick word about baseball - if you happen to be betting on the games this year take my semi-professional advice and take the OVER in just about any game. There are a few pitchers doing well but for the most part runs are being scored like everyone is on steroids. Ironically, Barry Bonds is off to a horrible start - a .214 average with no HR's and 1 RBI.

At the grocery store today I witnessed a woman call her husband a dumb-ass. It was another old man who pointed out how cute my "little guy" was. His wife turned and looked at him saying, "Fred, you dumb-ass, she's got pink flowers on her jumper. Would you dress a boy in pink flowers?" I just grabbed the toilet paper I was reaching for and headed down the aisle - with a smile.

With all that is going on in this country concerning the problem with immigration there is a movement in my state, again, to make English the official language. I honeslty understand the argument for it, but I have many questions: Would Taco Bell have to change its menu? What about a Pizzeria? Would we have to refer to french fries as "chips" as they call them in England? Or cigarettes as fags? Would I be allowed to order a Heineken in a restaurant? Or a glass of Chardonnay? And when I'm done with my bier and vino do I have to wait in queu for the loo?

Chick is eating cotton candy. I bought her some today at the grocery store. It was the one thing we weren't able to find for Baseballius. But as I was walking through the Deli there was a bunch of it amongst some old easter candy. So I got her some. And in about 5 hours I am going to be woken up by a woman saying, "Henry keeps kicking me and I can't sleep." At this point I wasn't really sure where I was going with this, then I turned around to look through the window to see my very happy wife put the last piece of pink fluffy sugar in her mouth. I am doomed. But she is smiling - for now.

I am at a crossroad right now. This has been a pretty good entry. I haven't put anything into the Garden for a few weeks and tonight everything feels right. I could probably go on for a while, and, I think I will. If you are trying to read this crap on your lunch break you may want to pause here and come back later. It's only 9:27 on my clock, I've got a fridge full of beer, a daughter that sleeps until 7:30, a ballgame on the radio and some crazy thoughts in my head. Hold on tight.

The President today - oh, no, no, no - I'm not going there. The Pope today - oh, no, no, no - not going there either. Tom Cruise today had a child. That's what people want to hear about right? Forget about politics and religion, what are the Stars doing in their lives? There is a new movie out - I don't know the title - that makes a mockery of our society because more people vote on the American Idol than the President. Maybe that's the policy we need to implement in Iraq and Palestine. Just have a text-message election and everything will be all right no matter what Simon says.

A few days ago we lost Jack. Apparently he got out onto the deck without notice and he disappeared. I found him after a stressful 24 hour search underneath our neighbors car. It's been 10 years since Chick brought that crazy cat home. He ruled that apartment and the three houses that followed. He has lived through numerous goldfish, frogs and lizards and may have had somehting to do with some of their abbreviated lives. As we brought home the dogs and eventually Mo he always seemed to accept his place as he slowly moved down the Totem Pole. The thing is, it's the one on the bottom of the pole that holds everyone else up.

By the way, I bet the Over on 3 games tonight and have already won all 3 bets. None of the games are finished as I type this.

What?!?! Gambling is illegal? What country am I in? Nazi Germany? Communist China? The Soviet Union? Oh, that's right, the beacon of freedom, the trophy of human rights, the perfect republic - the good old U.S. of A. But wait a minute - I can't bet 5 bucks that the Phillies and Nationals will combine for 10 runs? What if I want to bet that 76ers will win the NBA title? Or the Patriots win the Superbowl? Or the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup? I'm not allowed? Really? I guess I'll just head out to the bar on Sunday morning and drown my sorrows in a mug of beer.

WOW - I need to stay away from the politics. Or at least I need to stay away from the idiotic politics while drinking beers on my deck on Thursday nights after betting on baseball games and feeling the need to opine. (That's a great crossword puzzle answer - Voice Thoughts, 5 letters.)

Okay, in an attempt to leave you in a much lighter mood I will give you a quote. In honor of the return of Jack, here is a bit of wisdom from Garfield:

Never leave your food dish under a bird cage.