Jack the cat wouldn't fit and the machine is not water tight so the goldfish were spared. I was going to fill it with money but Chick doesn't give me much cash anymore. I wonder why?
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Life Without Gumballs
Jack the cat wouldn't fit and the machine is not water tight so the goldfish were spared. I was going to fill it with money but Chick doesn't give me much cash anymore. I wonder why?
Friday, September 16, 2005
Exodus
WAKE UP! What time is it? 3:38. Man is it raining hard. I guess they said it would rain overnight but it's really coming down hard. Wait, did I shut the garage door? I took the dogs in when they were bugging me. Frickin'Queenie barks once and the whole neighborhood erupts. I took the dogs in through the garage and went back out through the front door. Sat on the porch for a while.....went in once or twice......yeah, I left the garage open. I did it to remind me to take out the garbage. SHIT! I forgot to take out the garbage. Well I might as well go do it.
"Where are you going?"
"I forgot to take out the garbage and I think I left the garage door open."
"Well you might want to put on some pants."
Yeah pants are a good idea. And I may as well get the garbage in the kitchen. Hell, at this point I may as well change the cat litter. Screw him - it's the middle of the night. Yeah, I left the garage open. Maybe if we're lucky someone stole the crap we never use. Man is it raining hard. This would have really sucked at the last house. Oh well let's just grab the can and do it.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
Wow! It's like a chorus of Angels. I stepped out and it's barely raining at all. I swear it was pouring just a few seconds ago. And then it stopped - just for me. It's like a Moses thing. Of course my feet are cold and wet - shoes would have been a good move. But who cares? I'm barely getting rained on. This is too wierd. So much for making fun of Intellegent Design. Nah, that's still bullshit. Let's just go back to bed.
"Where are you going?"
"I forgot to take out the garbage and I think I left the garage door open."
"Well you might want to put on some pants."
Yeah pants are a good idea. And I may as well get the garbage in the kitchen. Hell, at this point I may as well change the cat litter. Screw him - it's the middle of the night. Yeah, I left the garage open. Maybe if we're lucky someone stole the crap we never use. Man is it raining hard. This would have really sucked at the last house. Oh well let's just grab the can and do it.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
Wow! It's like a chorus of Angels. I stepped out and it's barely raining at all. I swear it was pouring just a few seconds ago. And then it stopped - just for me. It's like a Moses thing. Of course my feet are cold and wet - shoes would have been a good move. But who cares? I'm barely getting rained on. This is too wierd. So much for making fun of Intellegent Design. Nah, that's still bullshit. Let's just go back to bed.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
ScanTron Quiz
Answer the following questions by writing down the most appropiate response on a piece of paper you may have nearby. You do not need to use a No. 2 pencil and there are no circles to fill in completely. Good luck.
1) Which of the Beatles was the most important?
a) John
b) Paul
c) George
d) Ringo
2) Who was the best President of the United States?
a) George Washington
b) Abraham Lincoln
c) Theodore Roosevelt
d) Franklin Roosevelt
3) Who best portrayed Catwoman?
a) Eartha Kitt
b) Lee Meriwether
c) Michelle Pfeiffer
d) Halle Berry
4) What is the cutest thing a baby does?
a) Smile
b) Blow Bubbles
c) Hold your finger
d) Yawn
5) Who will win the Circling Buzzards Death Pool?
a) Greg
b) Dave
c) Izzy
d) Jim
6) Which book should be banned?
a) The Origin of Species
b) Das Kapital
c) Catcher in the Rye
d) On The Road
7) What is your favorite color?
a) Blue
b) Yellow
c) Green
d) Red
Answers:
1) All of the Beatles were equally important to the makeup of the band. Yes, Ringo and George were just as crucial as John and Paul. Don't think so? Ask Pete Best - he's the guy Ringo replaced. You get a point as long as you agree that Yoko broke up the band.
2) Although so-called historians continually release rankings for all of the men who have served as President, is there really a need for a number one? This isn't college football, and they can't figure that out either. The four men listed here were all extremely important to the shaping of our country. You get a point as long as you weren't expecting to see Ronald Reagan on the list.
3) All of the actresses that played Catwoman were hot. If you had a chance to spend the night with any of them you should do it. Batman did. Besides, Catwoman has to be taken for what she is - a super criminal whose only ability is to throw Batman off of his game by giving him a chub. Give yourself a point if you have not seen the movie Catwoman featuring Halle Berry.
4) Everything a baby does is cute. Well, almost everything. I guess I could do with out the dirty diapers, spit-up and 100 decibal screams but the good outweighs the bad. Give yourself a point if you held a baby today.
5) It's a close race in this year's death pool. But it's really impossible to tell who may win. Sure some people are older and sicker than others but there is no way of figuring out who's going to actually die. Of course, three of the top four picks aren't with us anymore. Give yourself a point if you visit the Circling Buzzards.
6) Banning books! Are you serious!?!? There is no banning of books, I don't care what they say. As an intellgent society we read books, discuss them rationally and agree to disagree. Hitler banned books. Chairman Mao banned books. Saddam Hussein banned books. You want to hook up with those guys? Give yourself a point if you were completely outraged at the thought of banning a book.
7) Hopefully your favorite color isn't listed here. But why are you wasting your time reading a ridiculous Blog when you could be watching a Monty Python movie? Give yourself a point if you picked blue, no yellow - aaaaaaaaaagh!
You can add up your score if you like but the only way to get a passing grade on this test was to skip the questions and follow the ABACAB or ACDC answer scheme.
1) Which of the Beatles was the most important?
a) John
b) Paul
c) George
d) Ringo
2) Who was the best President of the United States?
a) George Washington
b) Abraham Lincoln
c) Theodore Roosevelt
d) Franklin Roosevelt
3) Who best portrayed Catwoman?
a) Eartha Kitt
b) Lee Meriwether
c) Michelle Pfeiffer
d) Halle Berry
4) What is the cutest thing a baby does?
a) Smile
b) Blow Bubbles
c) Hold your finger
d) Yawn
5) Who will win the Circling Buzzards Death Pool?
a) Greg
b) Dave
c) Izzy
d) Jim
6) Which book should be banned?
a) The Origin of Species
b) Das Kapital
c) Catcher in the Rye
d) On The Road
7) What is your favorite color?
a) Blue
b) Yellow
c) Green
d) Red
Answers:
1) All of the Beatles were equally important to the makeup of the band. Yes, Ringo and George were just as crucial as John and Paul. Don't think so? Ask Pete Best - he's the guy Ringo replaced. You get a point as long as you agree that Yoko broke up the band.
2) Although so-called historians continually release rankings for all of the men who have served as President, is there really a need for a number one? This isn't college football, and they can't figure that out either. The four men listed here were all extremely important to the shaping of our country. You get a point as long as you weren't expecting to see Ronald Reagan on the list.
3) All of the actresses that played Catwoman were hot. If you had a chance to spend the night with any of them you should do it. Batman did. Besides, Catwoman has to be taken for what she is - a super criminal whose only ability is to throw Batman off of his game by giving him a chub. Give yourself a point if you have not seen the movie Catwoman featuring Halle Berry.
4) Everything a baby does is cute. Well, almost everything. I guess I could do with out the dirty diapers, spit-up and 100 decibal screams but the good outweighs the bad. Give yourself a point if you held a baby today.
5) It's a close race in this year's death pool. But it's really impossible to tell who may win. Sure some people are older and sicker than others but there is no way of figuring out who's going to actually die. Of course, three of the top four picks aren't with us anymore. Give yourself a point if you visit the Circling Buzzards.
6) Banning books! Are you serious!?!? There is no banning of books, I don't care what they say. As an intellgent society we read books, discuss them rationally and agree to disagree. Hitler banned books. Chairman Mao banned books. Saddam Hussein banned books. You want to hook up with those guys? Give yourself a point if you were completely outraged at the thought of banning a book.
7) Hopefully your favorite color isn't listed here. But why are you wasting your time reading a ridiculous Blog when you could be watching a Monty Python movie? Give yourself a point if you picked blue, no yellow - aaaaaaaaaagh!
You can add up your score if you like but the only way to get a passing grade on this test was to skip the questions and follow the ABACAB or ACDC answer scheme.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Lyrical Nonsensical
I was just a poor boy and my story is seldom told. In my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, bend over and shake your tail feather, baby. Hello, it's me. I thought about us for a long, long time. Sometimes you wake up to find you are the eyes of the world. I am the entertainer. I've played all around the world and laid all kinds of girls - just b'cause I g-g-get around. I'm not trying to cause a big sensation. I'm just wondering why I have to steal my kisses from you? They call Alabama the Crimson Tide - call me Deacon Blue. The less I seek some source for a defnitive, the closer I am to fine. Sometimes it seems like such a hard life, but there are good times around the bend. The two of us wearing raincoats, standing solo, in the sun. We're on our way home. Red hair and black leather - my favorite color scheme. We all did feel the same way, we just saw it from a different point of view. I tell you one thing, you tell me another. We walk away maybe then shake hands.
This Blog has been brought to you by:
Simon and Garfunkel
The Beatles
Ray Charles
Todd Rundgren
The Grateful Dead
The Who
Ben Harper
Steely Dan
Indigo Girls
String Cheese Incident
The Beatles (yes, again)
Richard Thompson
Bob Dylan
Blues Traveler
This Blog has been brought to you by:
Simon and Garfunkel
The Beatles
Ray Charles
Todd Rundgren
The Grateful Dead
The Who
Ben Harper
Steely Dan
Indigo Girls
String Cheese Incident
The Beatles (yes, again)
Richard Thompson
Bob Dylan
Blues Traveler
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tough Questions and Simple Answers
Why doesn't Iraq use the U.S. Constitution?
It's a simple solution for all the problems they are having in creating a new government. We know how tough it is, it took our founding father's a couple tries. But it looks like they got it right. A nice system of checks and balances, never allowing any one section of the government to gain too much power. I'm surprised other nations that have been created in the past 200 years haven't asked for a photo-copy!
The best part about the U.S. Constitution is that it can be changed. So, if the people in Iraq don't want to allow everyone running aroung with hand guns then don't include a second ammendment. Don't want women to vote? Hey neither did we for 130 years. Just don't put it in there. Not worried about Piracy on the high seas? Forget about Section 8, Clause 10 under the first Article. Just ammend whatever you like.
The point is, we've got a good blue print - go ahead and use it!
Is hurricane Katrina part of Intellegent Design?
I'm sure it would be fairly easy to find a few people who think storms are the wrath of a god. Pat Robertson comes to mind, but I'm saving him for later. Think about it though. The latest hurricane destoyed one of the most sin-filled areas of the United States. Along with countless homes, hospitals and schools, there have been numerous brothels, gay-bars and crack-houses destroyed in New Orleans. And it was if the storm was thinking, 'hey, I got rid of the Big Easy, I think I'll head for the casinos in Biloxi."
It's a sad day for Darwinists, scientists and, well, educated people everywhere.
Will Terrel Owens ever speak again?
For those of you that don't follow sports, Owens, or T.O., is the superstar Wide Receiver for the Eagles. Before last season he signed a 7-year, $49 million contract. But he had a good year so he wants a bigger deal. He was so disruptive in camp that he was sent home for a week. Now, he isn't disruptive at all. As a matter of fact he doesn't talk to anyone. Not his quarterback, not his coach and maybe not even opposing defenders. There was a recent article stating he did however talk to one of his coaches on the phone after he scored a touchdown last week.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I was just wondering if anyone really cares whether or not a millionaire athlete talks to anybody ever again?
How does one become a member of the 700 Club?
In a recent television broadcast Pat Robertson called on our President to assasinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Apparently he is not happy with Venezuelan control of oil in the world. At least that's a pretty good reason to ignore the whole "thou shalt not kill" thing. But I was wondering how people become a member of his 'Club'? Do you have to knock-off a head of state as initiation? Or maybe just break any commandment of your choice? If that's the case I'm not interested in joining.
My Sam's Club membership is as much evil as I can put up with.
It's a simple solution for all the problems they are having in creating a new government. We know how tough it is, it took our founding father's a couple tries. But it looks like they got it right. A nice system of checks and balances, never allowing any one section of the government to gain too much power. I'm surprised other nations that have been created in the past 200 years haven't asked for a photo-copy!
The best part about the U.S. Constitution is that it can be changed. So, if the people in Iraq don't want to allow everyone running aroung with hand guns then don't include a second ammendment. Don't want women to vote? Hey neither did we for 130 years. Just don't put it in there. Not worried about Piracy on the high seas? Forget about Section 8, Clause 10 under the first Article. Just ammend whatever you like.
The point is, we've got a good blue print - go ahead and use it!
Is hurricane Katrina part of Intellegent Design?
I'm sure it would be fairly easy to find a few people who think storms are the wrath of a god. Pat Robertson comes to mind, but I'm saving him for later. Think about it though. The latest hurricane destoyed one of the most sin-filled areas of the United States. Along with countless homes, hospitals and schools, there have been numerous brothels, gay-bars and crack-houses destroyed in New Orleans. And it was if the storm was thinking, 'hey, I got rid of the Big Easy, I think I'll head for the casinos in Biloxi."
It's a sad day for Darwinists, scientists and, well, educated people everywhere.
Will Terrel Owens ever speak again?
For those of you that don't follow sports, Owens, or T.O., is the superstar Wide Receiver for the Eagles. Before last season he signed a 7-year, $49 million contract. But he had a good year so he wants a bigger deal. He was so disruptive in camp that he was sent home for a week. Now, he isn't disruptive at all. As a matter of fact he doesn't talk to anyone. Not his quarterback, not his coach and maybe not even opposing defenders. There was a recent article stating he did however talk to one of his coaches on the phone after he scored a touchdown last week.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I was just wondering if anyone really cares whether or not a millionaire athlete talks to anybody ever again?
How does one become a member of the 700 Club?
In a recent television broadcast Pat Robertson called on our President to assasinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Apparently he is not happy with Venezuelan control of oil in the world. At least that's a pretty good reason to ignore the whole "thou shalt not kill" thing. But I was wondering how people become a member of his 'Club'? Do you have to knock-off a head of state as initiation? Or maybe just break any commandment of your choice? If that's the case I'm not interested in joining.
My Sam's Club membership is as much evil as I can put up with.
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