The fallen snow
Has silenced the wooods
On this Christmas eve.
Tree limbs lined with white
As if from a painters brush
Sway with the wind.
Each new step
Crunches the snow
Begging for stillness.
Two redbirds frolic
In a wintered tree
Not concerned with weather.
Their crimson feathers
Resemble the shades
Of the holiday season,
While their happiness
Brings a warmth
To the heart.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Poor Chet
This Christmas season I have been listening to a lot of holiday music to enhance my jovial mood. At home we have used the digital cable for the Sounds of the Season. In the place I've been working there has been Christmas music playing regulalry. And even on my commute I have found the 'Lite' channel that has been programming for Christmas since the week before Thanksgiving. So I have certainly gotten my fill.
The nice thing about Christmas music is that it's okay to listen to Johnny Mathis, The Carpenters and Anne Murray. Trust me, you can search my CD collection and Realplayer folder and you will not find anything from those singers. But at Christmas their melodic voices are pleasant to the ear. Recently, however, I've noticed a few songs that disturb me.
On the way home a few days ago the DJ on the 'Lite' station announced an upcoming song performed by Cyndi Lauper and Frank Sinatra. I immediately thought that it was a promo skit for the morning talk show. But it wasn't. It was definitely Cyndi and Frank joining together for Santa Claus is Coming to Town. What made those two people sing a song together I'll never know.
There's is a new song out this season titled Mary Did You Know? Performed by Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd, it asks the question of whether or not Mary knew the significance of the child she was about to give birth to. It led me to thinking about the birthing process that Mary had to endure. Did god take it easy on her or did she have 18 hours of labor? Did she start giving evil looks at Joseph? And if so, did he just shrug and say "Hey. It's not my fault. You already told me it wasn't mine, right?"
One of the biggest hits of this holiday season is titled It's Cold Outside. It actually doesn't have anything to do with Christmas or the holiday season. It's really just about a guy trying to get it on with a woman by getting her drunk and telling her she needs to stay because it's too cold outside to leave. It has been performed by numerous people but the most disturbing pairing is Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton. Can't you just see the two of them lying naked on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire doing the nasty. Kind of turns your stomach doesn't it?
I've always enjoyed enhancing Christmas songs with my own special words and phrases. The standards are fine - "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin Layed an Egg" and "Rudolph the Nazi Reindeer". I do like to sing "Walking in some Women's Underwear" instead of " a Winter Wonderland". Of course my favorite is still poor, poor Chet with his nuts roasting on an open fire. Poor Chet.
Whatever your favorite Christmas song is be sure to sing it loud and proud. Remember that even though Christmas lasts from the third week of October to the second week of January, it only comes once a year.
The nice thing about Christmas music is that it's okay to listen to Johnny Mathis, The Carpenters and Anne Murray. Trust me, you can search my CD collection and Realplayer folder and you will not find anything from those singers. But at Christmas their melodic voices are pleasant to the ear. Recently, however, I've noticed a few songs that disturb me.
On the way home a few days ago the DJ on the 'Lite' station announced an upcoming song performed by Cyndi Lauper and Frank Sinatra. I immediately thought that it was a promo skit for the morning talk show. But it wasn't. It was definitely Cyndi and Frank joining together for Santa Claus is Coming to Town. What made those two people sing a song together I'll never know.
There's is a new song out this season titled Mary Did You Know? Performed by Kenny Rogers and Wynonna Judd, it asks the question of whether or not Mary knew the significance of the child she was about to give birth to. It led me to thinking about the birthing process that Mary had to endure. Did god take it easy on her or did she have 18 hours of labor? Did she start giving evil looks at Joseph? And if so, did he just shrug and say "Hey. It's not my fault. You already told me it wasn't mine, right?"
One of the biggest hits of this holiday season is titled It's Cold Outside. It actually doesn't have anything to do with Christmas or the holiday season. It's really just about a guy trying to get it on with a woman by getting her drunk and telling her she needs to stay because it's too cold outside to leave. It has been performed by numerous people but the most disturbing pairing is Rod Stewart and Dolly Parton. Can't you just see the two of them lying naked on a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire doing the nasty. Kind of turns your stomach doesn't it?
I've always enjoyed enhancing Christmas songs with my own special words and phrases. The standards are fine - "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin Layed an Egg" and "Rudolph the Nazi Reindeer". I do like to sing "Walking in some Women's Underwear" instead of " a Winter Wonderland". Of course my favorite is still poor, poor Chet with his nuts roasting on an open fire. Poor Chet.
Whatever your favorite Christmas song is be sure to sing it loud and proud. Remember that even though Christmas lasts from the third week of October to the second week of January, it only comes once a year.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Gold, Frankincense and Ribbon Candy
Throughout the Christmas season I always like to carry some hard, ribbon candy in my pocket. You just never know when you may need a quick and easy gift for the Holidays.
If you walk out one day to check the mail and you see your crazy neighbor lady waving you over with one hand while holding a small wrapped box in the other, it's a good thing you have some hard, ribbon candy in your pocket. Sure it would be better if you had a whole box of the stuff - old people love hard, ribbon candy. But hey, you were just checking the mailbox for Christmas cards. The old nut should be happy she's getting anything especially since you know that the present she's about to give you is just next year's supply of hard, ribbon candy.
While you're out at the mailbox, be sure to leave a piece of hard, ribbon candy in there for your postal worker. He or she really has it rough during the holidays driving around and putting cards into little boxes. A nice piece of hard, ribbon candy would be a nice break in the day.
But hard, ribbon candy isn't just for gift giving. Sometimes it can be used to solve special Christmas problems. Like when you are in Wal-Mart and there's a little kid screaming that he wants the new Spiderman doll that poses in 180 different positions. One look on the mom's face and it's clear that either the kid is already getting the damn thing for Christmas or the kid is never going to get it because he's a spoiled little brat. Either way, reach down in your pants pocket and pull out a little piece of hard, ribbon candy and give it to the boy. Sure, he'll have a sugar high for hours but at least he'll be sucking on that thing until you can get out of the store.
On your way out of the store, instead of pretending to look for you car as you pass by the Salvation Army person go ahead and walk up to him or her and engage in some small talk - "How's it going this year?" or "Not too cold out today, huh?" will usually do the trick. While talking be sure to look the person straight in the eyes while your hand slips into your pocket and breaks off a piece of hard, ribbon candy. If you slip the right size piece into the bucket it should sound just like a dime.
It's always good to leave a bowl of hard, ribbon candy in your living room for when unexpected guests drop by for a Holiday visit. However, if you have pets be sure to keep it out of their reach. One good lick by a big dog and instead of eight or nine pieces of hard, ribbon candy you'll have one giant lump of hard, ribbon candy. And that stuff is almost impossible to get apart once it's been licked. (Almost)
If you walk out one day to check the mail and you see your crazy neighbor lady waving you over with one hand while holding a small wrapped box in the other, it's a good thing you have some hard, ribbon candy in your pocket. Sure it would be better if you had a whole box of the stuff - old people love hard, ribbon candy. But hey, you were just checking the mailbox for Christmas cards. The old nut should be happy she's getting anything especially since you know that the present she's about to give you is just next year's supply of hard, ribbon candy.
While you're out at the mailbox, be sure to leave a piece of hard, ribbon candy in there for your postal worker. He or she really has it rough during the holidays driving around and putting cards into little boxes. A nice piece of hard, ribbon candy would be a nice break in the day.
But hard, ribbon candy isn't just for gift giving. Sometimes it can be used to solve special Christmas problems. Like when you are in Wal-Mart and there's a little kid screaming that he wants the new Spiderman doll that poses in 180 different positions. One look on the mom's face and it's clear that either the kid is already getting the damn thing for Christmas or the kid is never going to get it because he's a spoiled little brat. Either way, reach down in your pants pocket and pull out a little piece of hard, ribbon candy and give it to the boy. Sure, he'll have a sugar high for hours but at least he'll be sucking on that thing until you can get out of the store.
On your way out of the store, instead of pretending to look for you car as you pass by the Salvation Army person go ahead and walk up to him or her and engage in some small talk - "How's it going this year?" or "Not too cold out today, huh?" will usually do the trick. While talking be sure to look the person straight in the eyes while your hand slips into your pocket and breaks off a piece of hard, ribbon candy. If you slip the right size piece into the bucket it should sound just like a dime.
It's always good to leave a bowl of hard, ribbon candy in your living room for when unexpected guests drop by for a Holiday visit. However, if you have pets be sure to keep it out of their reach. One good lick by a big dog and instead of eight or nine pieces of hard, ribbon candy you'll have one giant lump of hard, ribbon candy. And that stuff is almost impossible to get apart once it's been licked. (Almost)
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Re-Write
This is going to be a first for me. I admit that I edit most of what I write before I post but I have yet to actually change a paragraph after it has been posted. Although I have stated many times in the past that the Blog is fiction I feel a re-write is in order. Although I certainly did not intend to offend anyone, I apparently struck a few chords in the previous article. I was merely having some fun while venting a little. Here is a revised Mommy and Daddy paragraph from the previous posting:
Chick and I are having a baby. Actually, Chick is having the baby - I have already done my part. It's incredible how funny people act when you tell them you're having a baby. It's as if they never had sex in thier life. And then the questions get repetitive, so I've started creating different answers - Do you have any names picked out? Yes, Bonanza. That's what we want to name our kid, Bonanza. Do you want a boy or a girl? Yes, either a boy or a girl would be fine because an hermaphrodite would just be disturbing. I wouldn't know which kind of pull-ups to buy. Were you trying? No Aunt Martha, we were just fucking. Regardless of all the questions, we are extremely happy about starting a family and I am most looking forward to staying home and taking care of my child. That way, we can spend more time in the Garden.
P.S. - Chick tells me the proper spelling will be Bunanza.
Chick and I are having a baby. Actually, Chick is having the baby - I have already done my part. It's incredible how funny people act when you tell them you're having a baby. It's as if they never had sex in thier life. And then the questions get repetitive, so I've started creating different answers - Do you have any names picked out? Yes, Bonanza. That's what we want to name our kid, Bonanza. Do you want a boy or a girl? Yes, either a boy or a girl would be fine because an hermaphrodite would just be disturbing. I wouldn't know which kind of pull-ups to buy. Were you trying? No Aunt Martha, we were just fucking. Regardless of all the questions, we are extremely happy about starting a family and I am most looking forward to staying home and taking care of my child. That way, we can spend more time in the Garden.
P.S. - Chick tells me the proper spelling will be Bunanza.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Where have you been?
I realize that I haven't posted anything in a while and I really don't have a very good reason as to why. I have actually had quite a few very good ideas to plant in the garden but just didn't get around to doing it. Here are some of the things I've been thinking about the last few weeks:
ebay
I am sure you have all heard about the woman who sold a ten year old piece of grilled cheese that contained an image of the virgin Mary. What I need to ask is how does anyone know what the virgin Mary looked like? It could actually be anybody - Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Mona Lisa or some old hag that live in the middle ages and died of the bubonic plague. If I would have written an entire Blog about this topic I would have pointed out that the word 'virgin' has changed its denotation and connotation over time. I would have also noted that the King James version of the Bible had many errors including one that stated Moses had horns. Finally, I would have noted that the shipping and handling for the sandwich was only $9.95.
Kenny Lost
I have said on more than one occasion that I won't try out for Jeopardy until they make it more difficult. But recently I would have loved to go on the show just to beat Ken Jennings. He has won over $2.5 million on the show, but finally lost just the other night. He's a weasly little guy who has some type of job that involves trivia. My theory on why he was so success ful is that, on top of his knowledge, he reached a certain comfort level that his new opponents didn't have. Let's face it, everyone knows at least half of the questions in the first round. It's all about who rings in first and maintains his or her poise in giving the correct answer. Anyway, the little shit lost and I think the only person happier than me is Alex Trebek.
Eliminate the NBA
I openly admit that I am not a fan of the Natinal Basketball Association. I love sports and I enjoy watching basketball games, but I no longer need the NBA in life. From Allen Iverson 'talkin' bout practice' to Latrell Sprewell complaining that he can't feed his family on $14.5 million per year to the latest fight involving Ron Artest and a bunch of fans, the NBA is now out of my life. I don't need it and I won't watch it.
Mommy and Daddy
Chick and I are having a baby. Actually, Chick is having the thing - I have already done my part. It's incredible how ridicluous people act when you tell them you're having a baby. It's as if they never had sex in thier life. And then the questions are just annoying - Do you have any names picked out? Yes, Bonanza. That's what we want to name our kid, Bonanza. Do you want a boy or a girl? Yes, either a boy or a girl would be fine because an hermaphrodite would just be disturbing. I wouldn't know which kind of pull-ups to buy. Were you trying? No Aunt Martha, we were just fucking. Regardless of the idiotic questions, we are extremely happy about starting a family and I am most looking forward to staying home and taking care of my child. That way, we can spend more time in the Garden.
ebay
I am sure you have all heard about the woman who sold a ten year old piece of grilled cheese that contained an image of the virgin Mary. What I need to ask is how does anyone know what the virgin Mary looked like? It could actually be anybody - Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Mona Lisa or some old hag that live in the middle ages and died of the bubonic plague. If I would have written an entire Blog about this topic I would have pointed out that the word 'virgin' has changed its denotation and connotation over time. I would have also noted that the King James version of the Bible had many errors including one that stated Moses had horns. Finally, I would have noted that the shipping and handling for the sandwich was only $9.95.
Kenny Lost
I have said on more than one occasion that I won't try out for Jeopardy until they make it more difficult. But recently I would have loved to go on the show just to beat Ken Jennings. He has won over $2.5 million on the show, but finally lost just the other night. He's a weasly little guy who has some type of job that involves trivia. My theory on why he was so success ful is that, on top of his knowledge, he reached a certain comfort level that his new opponents didn't have. Let's face it, everyone knows at least half of the questions in the first round. It's all about who rings in first and maintains his or her poise in giving the correct answer. Anyway, the little shit lost and I think the only person happier than me is Alex Trebek.
Eliminate the NBA
I openly admit that I am not a fan of the Natinal Basketball Association. I love sports and I enjoy watching basketball games, but I no longer need the NBA in life. From Allen Iverson 'talkin' bout practice' to Latrell Sprewell complaining that he can't feed his family on $14.5 million per year to the latest fight involving Ron Artest and a bunch of fans, the NBA is now out of my life. I don't need it and I won't watch it.
Mommy and Daddy
Chick and I are having a baby. Actually, Chick is having the thing - I have already done my part. It's incredible how ridicluous people act when you tell them you're having a baby. It's as if they never had sex in thier life. And then the questions are just annoying - Do you have any names picked out? Yes, Bonanza. That's what we want to name our kid, Bonanza. Do you want a boy or a girl? Yes, either a boy or a girl would be fine because an hermaphrodite would just be disturbing. I wouldn't know which kind of pull-ups to buy. Were you trying? No Aunt Martha, we were just fucking. Regardless of the idiotic questions, we are extremely happy about starting a family and I am most looking forward to staying home and taking care of my child. That way, we can spend more time in the Garden.
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