Day Ten

Last Tuesday Chick and I went to dinner at the local Ruby Tuesday's. We frequently dine there not just be because it's relativley close to us, but because we have two favorite bartenders working there - Tara and Casey. We give them a big tip and they have our drinks sitting on the bar before we sit down. The big tips also usually provides me with a bottomless draft beer. On this particular night, Tara filled my mug three times before Chick and I headed for home. As we got into the car I asked Chick if she'd stop on the corner so I could pick up some beer. "Didn't I just bring you home like an 18 pack a few days ago?"
"Yeah, but that was Friday," I replied as innocently as possible.
"You drank 18 beers in three days?" she asked calmly.
"That's only six a day. It was the weekend!"

The next morning on the way to work, I almost made the holy promise of never drinking again. On top of the three, 16 ounce drafts I had at Ruby's, I added five more tallboys sitting at home playing on the computer. I can vaguely remember asking myself if I really needed that fifth one at 11:37 at night. Obviously I answered in the affirmative. It was during that fuzzy drive to work that I realized I was drinking way too much. So I formulated a plan.

I have been drinking, rather heavily, for about 15 years. That includes 5 years of college when weekends began on Tuesday. For a few years after college during the summer we would go to the ballpark at least three or four times and week and consume at least three or four large beers. The last few years I feel like I've cut down on my drinking quite a bit, but I'm sure there are others who would disagree. I certainly wouldn't say I have a drinking problem - I don't wake up and want a shot of tequila and I don't sneak sips of bourbon during work. I just like having some beers at night. Every night. But now that's changing.

My plan is to stop drinking for 15 days. That may not seem like much, but I haven't gone 15 days without drinking since I had Mono in college. I think that was 1994. So I figure that if I can make it 15 days, I'm doing pretty good. But the plan doesn't stop there. I need to learn to control my drinking. Having a couple of beers at dinner with my wife should be no big deal. Drinking another 80 ounces while sitting alone playing on the computer is just silly. I don't know exactly how I'll react to the next drink but I believe I have enough will power, and common sense, to realize when I've had enough.

A few weeks ago Chick andI had a discussion about smoking cigarettes. There has been a commercial airing recently with a young girl talking about how she plans out her next cigarette. Knowing that I had smoked for a number years, Chick asked if that was true. "Absolutely." I remember constantly thinking about where my pack of cigarettes was and how many I had left and when would I have another one and did I have my lighter on me or could I bum a light off of someone and did I have enough to get me through the night and who was I going to be with that I could bum a smoke off of in case I ran out and what restaurant was best suited for smoking. The addiction wasn't just the nicotine - it was the constant mental game of soothing that addiction. I have since realized that in recent times I thought of beer in much the same way. Driving home at night I would think about how many beers were in the fridge and what kind are they and are there any extras downstairs and do I have any pop to make a mixed drink in case I ran out of beer and so on and so on. Perhaps I have a bigger problem than I realized. But I kicked the cigarettes so I should be able to handle the alcohol.

While forming the plan I went through a calendar of events in my head. Thanksgiving would be 16 days away - perfect. I can treat myself on a Holiday made for drinking beer. (You know damn well the Indians were trying to take advantage of the young female pilgrims by getting them drunk. I'm sure the Pilgrim men were thinking the same things about the Indian babes. Have you seen Pocahontas?) Anyway, Thanksgiving would be a good marker. But before then I would I have some difficult obstacles. I've already passed one this Sunday by sitting in bar with a number of friends watching football. I admit that I really wanted a beer, but I abstained. The next hoop to jump through will occur tomorrow - a Thanksgiving Dinner with all of my friends. In the past this particular party has been a real drunkfest. If I can make it through the day I'm on easy street.

The final part of the plan involves money. I have absolutely no way of determining how much money I have spent on alcohol in my life. The best I can do is to guess what kind of a spending pace I've been on recently. Given the fact that I usually drink a few beers at least five out of every seven days and more on weekends I guess that I have been spending about 50 bucks a week on alcohol. Quick math - about $200 a month, $2500 a year. DAMN! That's a lot of money. So as a part of the plan, every day I don't drink I put two dollars in my Scooby Doo bank. And then, every five days I spend ten bucks on baseball cards. That may not make sense, so hold on a minute. First of all, I would have spent much more than two dollars on beer, which is something I enjoy, but now I'm spending the money on my hobby, which is also something I enjoy. So I'm saving money by not spending as much but still providing some enjoyment for myself. Plus, by physically putting the money into the bank every night I am acknowledging that I may just have a problem and this is my way of beating it.

I'm not sure what I'll do on Thanksgiving or the day after it. I may just say 'fuck it' and finally go get a Kegerator. Hopefully I'll just have a few beers with my turkey and watch some football. And maybe after next Friday I'll put another two dollars in the bank. For now I'll just sit here on a Friday night wearing my cowboy hat and drinking a Pepsi - straight.

But I may just step outside and have a cigar.

Music

For most of the evening I have been going through my collection of downloaded music. It's something that I haven't done in quite a while and I am certainly enjoying myself. There are a few songs that I have chosen to put into a newly created playlist titled 'Always'. Tangled Up In Blue, Southern Cross, Dancing Nancies, Jane Says, Crazy Women, Interstate Love Song, etc. As i'm writing this Voodoo Chile is playing. If anyone can prove to me that there is a better guitar player than Stevie Ray, I'll kiss them on the lips. But maybe that's only because I can't hear Jimi.

Well I stand up next to a mountain....chop it down with the edge of my hand.

For the most part, lyrics have always been more important to me than music. Of course, there's nothing better than the combination of great lyrics with excellent music. Most bands and musicians fall onto one side or the other of that argument. Only a few of them are able to combine their lyrics with excellent music. It's more than a coincidence that most of those artists are the ones that I prefer to listen to.

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you.

Thanks to the internet and it's many avenues to download music I have been able to find a number of songs that I certainly wouldn't normally listen to. One of my favorites is Movin' Right Along featuring Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear. It's from the original Muppet Movie Soundtrack. Not only is it musically sound, it's very funny. And if you don't like the Muppets than you're missing out on life.

Hey I've never seen the sun come up in the west?

I would have a difficult time choosing any one song to be my favorite. But Tangled Up in Blue by Bob Dylan would certainly be near the top. Musically, it's very simple - almost too simple. Lyrically, it's one of the greatest poems of our time. There are many people in our society that criticize Dylan for not being able to sing. And certainly he has some issue with his voice. But if you listen to how he explains his story with his voice and his guitar, then you will understand his genius.

We all did feel the same way, we just saw it from a different point of view.

Eel Pie

I doubt that I will ever be as brilliant as those lucky few who write for The Simpsons. Seriously, take a look at everything that I have created in this garden and tell me that any of it is worthy of The Simpsons. Okay, maybe the god taking a crap/cancer thing but Groenig would have thought of that eventually.

Homer: Has science ever kissed a woman? Or won the Superbowl? Or put a man on the moon?

Creativity is a strange thing. In many ways I'm more creative than almost anyone I know. But then, there are a handful of people that are so much more creative than I am that it make me feel like a stooge.

Marge: Bart what are you doing?
Bart: Taking a whizz.
Marge: Stop that, we're guests in Mr. Burns.

I have been able to determine recently that I write best in the morning, sober. I shouldn't have to emphasize the word 'sober' when referring to my mornings, but many of you reading this know me well enough to question the concept. Anyway, I actually write a lot of what is found in the Dandelion Garden late in the evening after a few drinks. So, in essence I would say that you aren't getting my best writing. I would write more in the morning if I didn't have to go to work. Someone tell Chick to get a raise.

Homer: I need a mouth hole. And some other holes too.

Looking back through the Garden I would have to admit that 22 Thousand Words on My Mind Today is probably the best thing that I put together. I am very proud of Crapper Material. But Two Days in Bombay probably ranks ahead of it. I don't really care what most of you reading this actually think of each article. But it wouldn't be bad to hear what article may have had an affect on you. They've all affected me.

Questions

If Skeletor, Douglas Adams, Bob Dylan, Mighty Mouse and my dog Elvis were all playing a game of Monopoly, who do you think would win?

If it is 58 degrees with a hard wind and light rain in November, is it better or worse than a 58 degree light wind and hard rain day in April?

Does Miller Lite taste great or is it less filling?

Would Mighty Mouse rather control the three orange properties of St. James Place, Tennessee Avenue and New York Avenue or the four railroads?

Could the Wicked Witch of the West ever go out in the rain? And how did she bathe? Or douche?

If a hockey player scores a goal in the woods does anyone throw a dead squid at him?

If Santa Claus had an affair with a gymnast do the elves ever really need to ask why?

If Bob Dylan had to go directly to jail would he try to stop at GO and collect 200 dollars?

When Leda had sex with the swan, well, what the hell was she thinking?

Would Pablo Picasso be a successful plastic surgeon?

How many lives do you think a cat would use if his tail was stapled to I-75?

If Elvis had to do it all over again, do you think he would have still chosen to die on the shitter?

Follow up: What if he just had the best Grilled-Peanut-Butter-Banana sandwich of his life and it just bunged him up a bit?

Would King Elvis, my dog, rather put a couple of houses on Baltic and Mediterranean avenues or sniff Jack the Cat's ass?

Did you know that googling the word 'Google' causes your computer to giggle?

If Douglas Adams ever reached the end of the galaxy do you think he would be able to get back by taking a ride on the Reading?

Do you realize that for only $8.98 you can own your very own COWBOY BOOTS WESTERN DECOR CEILING FAN LIGHT PULL CHAIN? It's currently listed on ebay for $7.99 but the auction ends in 22 hours and 16 minutes.

Did you know that the phrase 'Vote for Bush' translated from native Wookie is "whoooaaooohhooo"?

Should Skeletor be disqualified or imprisoned for refusing to pay luxury tax?

And finally, after reading this do you think that Otis should give you back ten minutes of your life? Or would a Peanut Butter-Banana Sandwich be enough?

The Otis Plan

November 7, 1848 was an historic day for the United States. It was on that autumn morning that all of America, for the first time, held a national election for President on the same day. Well, not all of America. Women weren't allowed to vote for another 72 years. Slaves, of course, weren't even citizens so they couldn't vote. And men still had to be 21 years old in order to vote. So, let me re-phrase that. On November 7, 1848 white men who were older than 21 all voted for the President of the United States on the same day for the first time. Before that time it was merely required by the Contsitution that all of the electoral votes were submitted by a certain date in December. Different states held elections on different days which often led to men voting more than once. But in 1848 the government decided that everyone, er...all white men older than 21, should vote on the same day. It was a good idea. And being an agricultural society it was decided that the vote should take place just after the harvest. The first of November was a good idea. And a Tuesday made more sense so those men who needed to travel many miles would not have to do so on a Sunday, the Lord's day. So, it was agreed upon that the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November would be a National Election Day. What a great idea! That is, for all the men in 1848.

November 2, 2004 will someday be considered another historic day in the United States. It was another National Election Day that was to determine who would be President of the United States. All indications leading up that date were that it would be a close election. People were so stirred by the love of their country or their civic pride or maybe just hatred for one of the two candidates that thousands stood in lines for many hours, well into the night just to cast a vote. My cowboy hat goes off to those who withstood the cold long lines to show the world the power of democracy. However, if we are truly the leaders of the world and have a truly perfect democracy we must learn from our mistakes. What was good and made sense in 1848 may not be best in 2004. We should not have to force men and women, white or black, young or old to stand in line for two or four or six hours just to take part in democracy. There is a simpler way. And I know what it is. I give you, the Otis Plan.

The Otis Plan calls for an election process that spans four days. Open the polls on a Thursday afternoon and close them later that evening. Open them again on early Friday morning and close them in the late afternoon. Saturday morning, open up sometime before noon and stay open until the late afternoon. Finally, give everyone one last shot on Sunday, say noon to four. Then close the doors. That should give everyone more than 30 hours over four days to cast their vote. If they can't find time within those days, then too bad. It seems to me that one of the reasons that the lines were so long this past election day was that there is such a limited time for people to get to the polls. The people that showed up between 6:00 and 7:00 in the evening had already worked all day. In 1848 that wasn't the case. As a matter of fact, and as I have already mentioned, Monday was provided as a travel day for those living in remote areas. Concessions were made then, to adjust to their society. Why not make concessions now?

Obviously there are some issues with the volunteers who work the polls. Would they really want to do it over four days? I'm not sure, but I would have liked to ask them that question at 4:00 in the morning on November 3rd.

There could also be some problems concerning the release of election results. But result are not officially released until all of the polls are closed. And as far as exit polls are concerned, if we found anything out in the last two Presidential Elections it's that exit polls aren't worth a crap.

There may be many people who would argue that the Otis Plan is going to far. Sure, there's already a 12 or 13 hour window on a weekday to make it the polls. I voted before I went to work, at 6:40 in the morning. Actually I arrived at 6:40 and didn't get out until about 7:45. Which made me about a half an hour late to work. And although my boss, even if he wasn't my father-in-law, couldn't legally discipline me, if I were on the clock, I wouldn't have been paid. But still, millions and millions voted well before the long lines even formed late in the evening. So why should we have to make it any easier?

I'll give you 6 good reasons to make voting easier: Germany, Japan, South Korea, South Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq. You want some even better reasons? Cuba, Iran, North Korea, Ivory Coast and Sudan. There have been countless deaths of American soldiers who fought to give millions of people around the world the right to choose their own leaders and laws. And there are millions of people still fighting today for that same right. If we are willing to fight to the death for the rights of others to vote freely in an open election, then shouldn't we provide the example of accomodating the needs of all of our own citizens so they can vote as they desire.

I think that we can never make it easy enough to vote. And actually, we should do everything in our power, no matter how difficult it may seem, to make it as easy as possible.