Food Poisoning

The woman in Footlong’s didn’t know she was eating something bad. She thought she was eating right by ordering a Seafood sub with tomoatoes, onion, green peppers, jalapeno peppers, banana peppers and lettuce. No mayo. No cheese. No oil and vinegar. No Spicy-Southwest sauce. Just a simple, healthy sandwich. What could be better?

The owner/manager of Footlong’s never wanted to have a seafood-type sub. It’s not that he has anything against seafood – he grew up in Rhode Island. But he didn’t think anyone would want a concoction of imitation crabmeat, celery, mayonnaise, parsley and shrimp bits. But he found that many customers asked about a seafood sub and they weren’t thrilled about the Tuna Salad. So he caved in. At first he wanted to call the sandwich a SeaFoot sub, but this, according to some of his teenage Submariners, made the customers think of the smell of feet. And although the SeaFoot sub did smell a little bit like feet, he changed the name to Seafood Surprise – which still made his workers roll their eyes.

Being from Rhode Island, Tony, the owner/manager, felt that he could save money and make a better sub if he made the Seafood Surprise himself. So he ordered imitation crabmeat, celery and shrimp bits from his food distributor. He already had the mayo and parsley. At least once a week he spent a slow afternoon, typically Tuesday, making the Seafood Surprise. Knowing that he was dealing with potentially troublesome food, Tony was always very careful regarding cross-contamination. He cleaned. He sanitized. He wore gloves. He almost never touched his nose. And for years, he never had a problem with his Seafood Surprise – except that he still wanted to call it the SeaFoot sub. He never had a problem, with the food that is, until he delegated the making of the Seafood Surprise to his trusty manager, Tammy. Tammy had been a Submariner for Tony all through High School – evenings, weekends, summer break, Christmas break. Around the time of her graduation Tony was ready to open another Footlong’s and he offered Tammy the opportunity to manage Footlong’s #1.

Tammy was always smart and managed to do well in school. She couldn’t really afford to go to college and thought that she could save up some money and take some classes in her spare time. Which was a great idea except for Roach. Roach was Tammy’s boyfriend. His name really wasn’t Roach; it was Joseph Henry Lockwood. But he liked to be called Roach so in the ninth grade that’s what he told everyone to call him. And kids called him that in the ninth grade because he had been shaving by then for over a year. Tammy thought she liked Roach and Roach knew he liked Tammy. She was young, hot and had a full time job. Most of the money Tammy wanted to save for night school ended up going to cigarettes, beer, weed and whatever else Roach wanted.

On a typical afternoon Roach would visit Tammy at Footlong’s #1, have breakfast for free and try to mess around with Tammy in the back room. On one particular Tuesday afternoon, Tammy was making the Seafood Surprise, or SeaFuck surprise as Roach referred to it, and she didn’t feel like messing around. That upset Roach, so much so that when Tammy went to the counter to check on a customer, Roach decided to add dish soap to the SeaFuck surprise. Roach really wasn’t very clever. But Tammy should have never left Roach alone with the Seafood Surprise – or the Seafood Surprise alone with Roach.

Angela, the woman in the restaurant, got sick on the Seafood Surprise or SeaFoot Sub or SeaFuck Surprise or whatever you would like to call it. The mixture of imitation crabmeat, celery, mayonnaise, parsley, shrimp bits and dish soap did not kill her. It didn’t even make her very sick, just sick enough to ruin her afternoon. She didn’t sue Tony or Footlong’s #1 or Footlong’s #2. She just left a little early from work and went home to lie down.