The Otis Debate

Moderator: Good evening and welcome to tonight's presidential debate between President Otis and Senator Otis. My name is Ernest T. Krebbs and I will be the moderator for the debate. I have a number of questions to ask our master debaters this evening and I'm sure I'll come up with a couple more along the way. The format of the debate is vague at best, but each candidate will have a chance to answer each question with one response and then a follow-up response will be allowed to the first response.
Tonight's first question will be for President Otis. Mr. President, gun-control has been a major issue over the past few years on the state level. What is your stance on gun-control?

President Otis: First of all, thank you Ernest for allowing me to precipitate in tonight's debate. The best way to explain my view on gun-control is to tell you a little bit about my past. When I was 10 years old I asked for an Erector Set for Christmas so that I could build my own oil rigs like my daddy. I got that Erector Set along with a chemistry set so that I could learn to refine the oil. I also got a team of horses and a stable boy to take care of them. I got my own jet plane and I think that was the year I was given my first professional baseball team. But the most important gift I received that Christmas was a Red Rider BB Gun. That has made all of the difference. And let me just say to the American people, I did not - I repeat - did NOT shoot my eye out.
Senator Otis: I too I had a Christmas similar to the one of the President. I was either eleven or twelve, but I could have been ten. I got an Erector Set and a chemistry set. I didn't get a team of horses, but rather a herd of sheep and a young shepherd to take care of them. Instead of a jet plane I received a yacht and a football team rather than a baseball team. And I too got my first BB Gun. But here is where the difference lies between the president and myself. One day that BB Gun went off accidentally and although it did not shoot me in the eye, it grazed my arm and left a scar that I have to live with every day.
Moderator: Mr. President, you have 13 seconds to respond.
President Otis: Hey, hey I'm a Monkee. People say I monkey around. But I've been too busy singing to put anybody down. Thank you.

Moderator: The next question is for Senator Otis and it involves Health Care: Senator, how will you, as President, help to stop the rising costs of health care?
Senator Otis: The Health Care issue is a very complicated one. In some ways it's a very big puzzle or even a game with a lot of rules. A game like Monoply. Do you know that in the game of Monopoly you can have twins and it only costs $100. Look at the game Operation - it only costs $400 to remove a funny bone. Yet in the game of LIFE it could cost you $100,000 to get a tattoo removed. That's a lot of inconsistency in health care. What we need to do is have a simple game plan, like Crazy-8's.
President Otis: I'm glad my opponent mentioned Crazy-8's, 'cause that's a game I can understand. I like playing card games and I like playing with cards. My favorite thing to do with cards is to build houses. Remember the episode of the The Brady's when the kids were fighting over the food stamps and built a giant card house? That's what the Health Care system is, a giant house of cards. Jan almost knocked it over with her bracelet, but she didn't. She didn't even take that bracelet off - she just held it back with her other hand when it was her turn. And do you remember what finally knocked down that card house? It was Tiger the dog. Only a dog can take down our Health Care system.
Moderator: Senator, you have 8 seconds to respond.
Senator Otis: John Denver was not a Muppet. John Denver was not a friend to the Muppets. John Denver was a friend of the Muppets.

Moderator: The next question will be directed towards President Otis. Mr. President, you have received a lot of criticism for not working with our allies during our current war on terror. What is your response to that?
President Otis: I have worked with our friends and allies. I have been in constant contact with all of the members of the Justice League. The original 5 members - Superman, Batman, Robin, Aquaman and Wonder Woman - have all been with us from the beginning and continue to fight the evil terrorists around the world. And let me just say that it has taken alot of convincing by my administration to tell the Justice League that there are more enemies to freedom than just Lex Luthor, Black Manta and Bizarro. And let me also say that we have also added to our friends at the Justice League. The Wonder Twins and Gleek have been on board for some time. Green Lantern has continued to provide support. Just recently we've signed the Flash and Hawkgirl. So I think we are working well with our allies.
Senator Otis: I agree with the President that we are working well with the Justice League. But we cannot limit our allies to just one select group of crime fighters. I ask you Mr. President, where is the Amazing Spiderman? Or the Incredible Hulk? Have you once contacted Professor X to see if the X-Men would provide support for our fight against terrorism? When I am president I will seek out all Superheroes, near and far, from the Mighty Thor to Mighty Mouse so that we can stop terrorism around the world.
Moderator: President Otis you have an 18 second response.
President Otis: I have met George Jetson. Jane his wife. His boy Elroy and daughter Judy. But the Flintstones are the modern stone-age family.

Moderator: Our next question will deal with education and Senator Otis will be the first to respond. Senator, what will your administration do to help ease the cost of education and still provide all of our youth with the proper knowledge they need to compete in the world?
Senator Otis: I am very concerned with the state of education in our country. I went to the best private schools before attending Yale and unless every child has wealthy parents with the proper legacy, few will ever be as successful as me. What we need to do is make sure that our children, first of all, go to school. There are many kids out there that are forced to work in the rice fields to help support their families instead of attending classes. I know, I was there. I have confidence that if we are able to get our children to the classrooms they will be able to learn what they need to know. Otherwise, they'll just pick up crap form television.
President Otis: I'm glad my opponent mentioned the television. I used to watch a lot of TV when I was younger. Sure, I still went to private schools and yeah I went to Yale too (Go ELI!) but I learned most of what I know from television. And one of the most influential shows on my life was Gilligan's Island. Here you had 7 people - a rich guy and his wife, a skipper who wrecked his boat, a bumbling dufus named Gilligan, two hot chicks and one really smart guy. I gotta tell you I learned a lot from the Professor. He knew when the island was sinking and when the volcano was going to blow. He knew how to make glue from tree gunk. He could even talk to all the natives. And the way he recharged the one little radio they had was just brilliant. That pretty much sums up my plan for education - as long as 1 out of every 7 people is smart, we'll be okay.
Moderator: Senator Otis you may have 16 seconds to respond.
Senator Otis: Somewhere in the black mountain hills of Dakota there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccon. He is the eggman. I am the Walrus. Coo goo g'joob.

Moderator: Well that concludes our debate this evening. I would normally allow both candidates to have a final speech but quite frankly I am a little afraid about what they might say. I hope you have enjoyed this debate and I am sure we all look forward to hearing the left-wing and the right-wing media completely decimate everything important the two candidates may have said. Thank you and good night.