Crapper Material

On the way to work today I was behind a car that has a personalized license plate - GODS FCS. Take a look again - GODS FCS. The first thing that came to my mind was "God's Feces." Immediately I had an image of a large man with his robe hiked up and a huge beard sitting on the john reading the sports page. "God's Feces?" How ridiculous is that? There's obviously a better explanation. Perhaps it is supposed to be "God's Faces" or "God's First Chosen Son." Chick asked if the car was a Ford Focus, thinking that the plate was supposed to be "God's Focus." That is actuallymore ridiculous than "God's Feces."

I am not one that subscribes to the creationist theory. But if you do, and that's okay because so do millions of other people, then everything on this planet has been created by a god. And if you also believe that god created people in his or her own likeness then you have to admit that god has to relieve his bowels every once in a while, just like us. So god has fecal matter that ends up on our planet in some form. Sure he (or she) created rose blossoms, sunsets on the ocean and little girls giggling. But he (or most likely, she) also created a lot of bad stuff that exists in this wonderful world of ours. And all I'm saying is that the bad stuff is god's feces.

So now I have spent most of the day trying to figure out what exactly is god's feces. My first thought was of cockroaches. They really are disgusting little bugs that no one likes. There may be animals out there that would eat them (I'm sure they are high in protein) but more than anything they just feed off of any rotten piece of food they can find. Along the same line of the cockroach is the vulture. Big, huge ugly birds that really don't do anything but eat what's left of some other animals' kill. And when is that last time you saw someone, or something, eat a vulture? Of course vultures have been a part of some very funny Bug's Bunny cartoons so maybe I should let them slide. So I started down a slightly different path on my search for god's feces. How about mold or fungus? Or coral? Jellyfish? Not really, but what about a substance like cocaine or tobacco or just plain old tar? And then it hit me - if there is anything on this planet that came out of the ass of god, it's cancer.

I actually don't have too many personal experiences with people who have fought the big C. My mother-in-law fought it and won. A man that used to work for my family lost the battle a few years ago. And so did the mother of a very good friend of mind. And even though I can't really say that cancer has had a tremendous affect on my life, I know how horrific it is. There is nothing else on the planet that is quite so bad. Bullets and bombs kill people instantly. Car wrecks and plane crashes are unexpected but also arrive with a quick shock. Fighting cancer takes days and months and years of strength and then there is still no guarantee that you can ever truly win. And most people don't win.

So, if cockroaches and vultures and mold and cigarettes are all fecal matter from the bowels of god, then cancer is the shit that god took after a night of drinking cheap draft beer and eating chilidogs with hot sauce.