What I know today.

The above is only a substitute title for "Friday Night with Otis."

Willie Nelson has a new Raggae album. Okay, sure, I'll repeat that - Willie Nelson has a Raggae album. The album is titled Countryman and the song that I listened to wasn't half bad. But Willie shouldn't be surprised if the FBI came knocking on his door once again.

There may be nothing quite as wonderful as slowly dancing with the person you love in a soft-lighted hallway. Our dance this evening took place during "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. I won't hear that song in the same way ever again.

Today we made our first trip to the pediatrician. Well, actually Chick and I have both been to a pediatrician before, but not since we were children. Today we took Mo. The nurse that we first met with looked like a guy I wouldn't let park my car. Not only was he much younger than me, he dressed like it. I can only assume it was 'casual friday'. He was wearing faded blue jeans with a green t-shirt that in my mind had a Kool cigarettes logo. I know that it wasn't a Kool cigarettes logo but it was the shade of green that Kool would have used. Either way, I have to admit that I was a bit cautious about this guy asking intimate questions about my daughter and my wife. But in the end he was just as great as the dentist I went to last week from Zimbabwe. I'll tell you more about her in six months.

I fed my neighbors cats today. We spent four years in our last house without knowing any of our neighbors' names. Now after a few weeks I have people giving me a key to their home and trusting me with their animals. (Actually the cats aren't a problem but they obviously don't know about my fetish for stealing spoons.) Jacob and Amanda, our new neighbors, are getting married this weekend in some town up north. It is my responsibilty to take care of Guinness and Jedi. No, I'm not making those names up. Jacob is definitely one of us.

I changed no less than 5 dirty diapers today. None included any more poop than you would put mustard on a hamburger. But it will be some time before I'll be able to reach for the jar of Grey Poupon.

My problem with watching The Andy Griffith Show in the morning is that there are two shows on the same time as Live! with Regis and Kelly. And if I don't watch Regis and Kelly I can't stay in tune with pop culture. So I've only been able to catch one episode of Andy, skipping the second half of Regis and Kelly. The show I caught today was when Otis' brother was coming for a visit. Otis was worried about his brother finding out he was the town drunk. It turned out that Otis' brother was also a drunk. It could have been a great episode to fight the disease of alcoholism. Instead, it was just a funny show.

Where the hell is Condor?

I have too many friends in my life. Wait - check that. I have a lot of friends in my life. It has only become 'too many' when I have to keep track of all of them. I have lost more friends than I want to admit. I could probably keep track of them all, but sometimes it seems as if friendship is more than I can handle. Why? Because I am not a very good friend. People call me and I don't call them back. People write me and I don't write them back. I have a daughter and I don't call anyone. Why? Am I really that much of a schmuck?

I am fairly sure that there are only five or six people who really know me. Yes, that is very pretentious. But think for a second of how many people really know who you are. Or who you pretend to be. Do your parents know you? Or your spouse? Or your next-door neighbor? Or your brother-in-law? Or your daughter?

I told Chick not too many weeks ago that I thought I would not be a very good father. In some ways I am way too demanding and in other ways I am way too lax. My children are going to be so confused they won't know if a manatee is bigger than a giraffe. I also told her that all I want from and for my daughter is to be her friend. Sure, discipline and control will be necessary in life but friendship will reign. I only ever wanted to have children so that I would have another friend in life. Because truly good friends are hard to come by.

And that brings me back to the title - hello Condor? Here I am sitting at the computer in the middle of the night. My wonderful wife is about to get up so she can feed my beautiful daughter. The dogs are lying on the kitchen floor and the cat is on the sofa. I'm about to open another beer just to toast my friend. It never matters if you ever respond. I know you care.

If you ever wanted to take a test to determine whether or not you are a good friend, well, then you aren't one. But if you want to figure out what kind of friend you are, then just ask yourself if you would be happy in your friends life. That is, would you be able to take his or her place and still be happy. Would you make the same choices? Would you make the same sacrifices? Would you be happy with the decisions? Would you still be friends?

All of that is bullshit. There is absolutely, positively no way to judge friendship. If you have it, cherish it. Don't ever let it leave your soul. Don't try to explain it in a stupid blog. Don't ever try to call people out on it. Just accept it for what it is and be happy that you don't really understand it. If it were ever meant to be understood then Condor wouldn't be smiling right now.

Night Poetry

I tried to write a poem tonight,
But the sun has not fallen.
Shadows are still long and
Glares still blinding.
I must wait for the crickets
To hear my song.

The sky is dark and chirps are loud.
Night has arrived and my lyrics
begin to flow.
Slowly.
If only the moon were brighter
And the stars more clear -
Then would my poem arise.

The sun will wake us up soon,
Ending my song.
The earth grows warmer
And the sky clears,
Yet my poem is lost in the fog.

Phil, The Hermit Crab

I almost got a hermit crab today. On the way to the pet store I had decided his name would be Phil. But when I asked the kid at the pet store about what kind of environment hermit crabs enjoy, I realized that my plans were not good. The kid told me, after checking with his manager, that hermit crabs prefer hot, dry climates. I was planning on putting Phil in the terrarium with the Anole which is a very humid environment. So I asked the kid if he had any green tree frogs. They did, so I got a frog instead. The frog is not named Phil. I think I'll just call him little guy. When we, the kid at the pet store and I, went over to see the green tree frogs, he said, "It looks like we have just one little guy in the back." Then when the manager came over to show the kid how to get frogs into the proper carrier, she looked at him, the frog, and said "Oh, what a cute a little guy." At the check-out counter, believe it or not, the woman who rang me up looked at the frog and said, "he's just a little guy." So, I'll just call him Little Guy. The Anole has no name.

I almost bought a hermit crab today. I didn't, but I still managed to spend a small fortune at the pet store. I think I got something for all of our animals - even some we don't have yet. King and Queen got a water bowl for outside. We've been throwing tennis balls a lot in our new yard and the dogs get pretty thirsty. Of course that just makes the balls more slobbery, but that's the price one pays for letting dogs play with balls. I also got some cat litter for Jack. Actually, it's really for us. If we didn't have a litter box, with litter, I'm pretty sure Jack would just piss and poop wherever he liked. I got new light bulbs for the terrarium and some crickets for the Anole and Little Guy. Then, I got some gravel for Chick's fish tanks. She hasn't had any fish for some time, but she wanted to set two of them up in the new house. She cleaned the small tanks last night and told me that if I would buy her some gravel she would stop and get some fish on her way home from work. So, I've got that to look forward to.

I almost got another hermit crab today. Well, not in the sense that I already have one. But I used to, when I was much younger. I remember when my first hermit crab died. I'd like to think I was about six or seven at the time, but I was probably twelve. And it freaked me out. I was just going down to my room for the night and I noticed right away that he was dead. He was almost completely out of his shell, sort of humped over and his long, beady black eyes were lying on his big red front claw. I ran upstairs, screaming for my mom. She told me to go back down and get rid of him. I don't know if she was trying to teach me a life lesson or if she just didn't want to deal with a dead hermit crab. Either way, I spent the night upstairs on the couch. The next morning I awoke calmly, went down to my room, wrapped the crab in a couple of paper towels and threw him in the garbage can. To this day, I am not sure of the proper burial rights for a hermit crab.

I almost brought home a hermit crab today. I think he would have enjoyed living in the terrarium with the Anole and Little Guy. We have the tank in the corner of our new living room. It's right next to the new pack-and-play. Mo would have enjoyed watching Phil scamper around. But I am sure she will get a kick out of the Anole and Little Guy. If she enjoys watching them half as much as Jack does then it will all be worth it. I don't think we will ever have to worry about Morgan asking for a pet. When she finally gets to our new home she will have two dogs, one cat, one anole, one frog and a few fish. But no hermit crab.