My life is over. I have given up. I can no longer hold my head up. No, I did not witness a miracle and turn to religion. The Cubs did not win the World Series. My wife is not forcing me to go back to work. It is something much more serious than that - I am now the driver of a mini-van.
Ugh.
Don't get me wrong - it is a very nice vehicle. It has a GPS system and automatic doors and a DVD player and stow-and-go seating and everything else a family with nearly three children 'needs' in today's world. But it has no soul.
I can't believe I'm only a few years removed from driving a convertible sports car. A car that was certainly too small for a family of five but a lot more fun. Heck, we might have been able to fit three kids in the back of that thing. Who needs a five-point harness system? And for that matter a jeep should not be a bad choice for a family. The kids could spill anything possible on the floor and all you have to do is get the garden hose to wash it out. And jeep's are safe - they're built with a roll bar!
But now I have a mini-van. Ugh.
If you have never seen the movie Slapshot, stop reading this and go rent it. There is a scene where the bus driver is hitting the team bus with a sledgehammer. When they ask him what he's doing he responds, "making it look mean." That's what I need to do with the mini-van. I'll start with some flames down the sides. Yosemite Sam "Back Off" mud flaps are a good touch. I'll definitely need a Calvin peeing on something. Hydraulics may be too much and the kids could burn their legs and side pipes. Maybe I'll just add a General Lee horn. And I definitely need truck nuts.
Even if I don't get around to making the mini-van look mean, at least I can take solace in one fact. Technically, I did not buy a mini-van - Chick bought it for me.
Wait, that kinda makes it hurt more.
Ugh.
Wandering through the Dandelion Garden you may come across a variety of characters in my world. Some are living people, some just live in my head. Nicknames are often used to protect the innocent – and the guilty. There is Chick and the Thrill and Otis among many others. But most of the time you’ll be hanging out with Jim – a pretty good guy.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Saturday Morning Bliss
If any of you that are reading this have a spouse that stays home during the week with your children, give them a break. Right now, Chick took the kids somewhere - I'm not really sure where and I don't care. I have the morning to myself. I'm listening to an XM channel that features Widespread Panic instead of the Doodlebops. I don't have to get up every three minutes to wipe a nose or change a diaper. No one is running into walls or throwing cars at the TV. For the past hour or so I've been writing about some baseball stuff and have now turned my attention to this blog.
I think I'll lock the doors.
The brilliant marketing people at Miller High Life have recently started a points program for their loyal customers. It is a lot like Camel Bucks or Marlboro points. I used to have a ton of that stuff. I wonder if my Joe Camel folding chair is still in Athens? Anyway, I am working toward an Official High Life Delivery man shirt - only 7500 points. At 10 points a beer, six beers a night it's going to take about four months for me to get there. They should really offer something for a liver transplant. But the shirt is cool.
Ralph needs a friend. At least that is what I am told on a very regular basis. And his friend will be named Buster. It was going to be Cinderella but that just doesn't fit a frog. Ralph, of course, is an anole. And he is lonely. We have looked for a friend recently and have not had much success. Three different pet stores in our area were out of tree frogs. They did have Pac-Man frogs but those things can grow to the size of a dinner plate at which point you have to feed them mice. No thank you. A simple cricket-eating tree frog to keep Ralph company will be just fine. And I have a feeling that may be what my family is looking for right now.
I think I have discovered one of the worst possible jobs - and I just might be taking advantage of it. There is a company that will come to your yard and pick up dog poop. It is called the Pet Butler. They will come out as many as three times a week to keep your yard clean. Their motto is "#1 in the #2 business!" It's not cheap - about $14 per visit. But it just might be worth it.
Of course I could be outside right now doing some scooping but then what would Chick do when the kids are napping?
Okay, maybe I'm taking this free time a bit too far. But it is nice.
I think I'll lock the doors.
The brilliant marketing people at Miller High Life have recently started a points program for their loyal customers. It is a lot like Camel Bucks or Marlboro points. I used to have a ton of that stuff. I wonder if my Joe Camel folding chair is still in Athens? Anyway, I am working toward an Official High Life Delivery man shirt - only 7500 points. At 10 points a beer, six beers a night it's going to take about four months for me to get there. They should really offer something for a liver transplant. But the shirt is cool.
Ralph needs a friend. At least that is what I am told on a very regular basis. And his friend will be named Buster. It was going to be Cinderella but that just doesn't fit a frog. Ralph, of course, is an anole. And he is lonely. We have looked for a friend recently and have not had much success. Three different pet stores in our area were out of tree frogs. They did have Pac-Man frogs but those things can grow to the size of a dinner plate at which point you have to feed them mice. No thank you. A simple cricket-eating tree frog to keep Ralph company will be just fine. And I have a feeling that may be what my family is looking for right now.
I think I have discovered one of the worst possible jobs - and I just might be taking advantage of it. There is a company that will come to your yard and pick up dog poop. It is called the Pet Butler. They will come out as many as three times a week to keep your yard clean. Their motto is "#1 in the #2 business!" It's not cheap - about $14 per visit. But it just might be worth it.
Of course I could be outside right now doing some scooping but then what would Chick do when the kids are napping?
Okay, maybe I'm taking this free time a bit too far. But it is nice.
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