Another Dead Turkey

I really have never been a big fan of the Thanksgiving Holiday. No one gets any presents and I really don't like gorging myself on cranberry jelly. Or yams. And certainly not noodles. The football games are a nice touch but I could do without the morning parades. I don't love a parade any more than I love Raymond. My bitterness may come from growing up in the food business. My family was always very busy leading up to Thanksgiving and even busier the day after. I really didn't mind the hard work, but there was never much profit in selling turkeys.

There has been an interesting documentary on the History Channel this week about Thanksgiving and its origins. Obviously most people know that the Pilgrims invited the Wampanoags over for a little feast after they showed them how to survive in the 'new' land. One of the interesting things that I learned from the show was that for many years the Pilgrims, or Puritans, continued to celebrate Thanksgiving in place of Christmas. Although they were obviously very Christian, they felt that, even then, Christmas was too much of a pagan holiday. And they didn't even know about Rudolph yet!

The Pilgrims were an interesting group. An ultra-conservative, super-religious clan that were so unhappy with their living conditions, they hopped on a boat and sailed across an ocean to start a new life. Then, about 150 years later, many of their descendants were still unhappy about a tyrannical monarch and chose to fight for their freedom. It was another 150 years before the Bolsheviks ended the concept of monarchies throughout the world. Of course the largest revolution occurred in 1979 when the people in Iran overthrew another brutal dictator. Looking at those groups of people may shed some light on why there are so many problems in Iraq these days. All of those people in history made a decision to change their lives for the better. The change that they demanded came from within and they took action to make the changes. While I am sure most people in Iraq are happy to be rid of a cruel leader, the change was still forced upon them. They may have wanted it, but they did not earn it themselves. Either way, it does not look as if there will ne any type of Thanksgiving feast anytime soon in Bagdhad.

"I swear, as god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
- Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati

This morning I dressed Hank in an outfit. It was a cute little onesie and pants combo with tiny cars and somewhere in the house there is a bib to match. As a matter of fact, it was so cute I am still disgusted. The only reason I put it on him was that it was his only clean outfit. And if all of his outfits are dirty he won't have to wear one in front of everyone over the holiday. Outfits are for old ladies who have given up on trying to be fashionable. This is my son. He's going to have a hard enough time in life overcoming all of his father's shortfalls. He doesn't need to look ridiculous doing it. He'll be just fine in jeans and a t-shirt like his sister.

Friday Night with Otis

I really was not a big fan of Nirvana when they first hit the music scene. I distinctly remember hearing the album Nevermind for the first time. It scorched my speakers in the basement of the fraternity house while a bunch of us played some pool. I was intrigued but not really impressed. I preferred Pearl Jam and Soundgarden and Stone Temple Pilots. But now I miss Nirvana and I get just a little excited every time I hear one of their songs.

"Hey. Wait. I've got a new complaint."

For most of my life I have eschewed what is popular. As a kid I never wanted Nike shoes. In college I let my hair grow just because everyone else cut theirs. Even today I take a lot of pride in being a stay-at-home dad. Being different is very important to me. But don't ask me to explain the BMW I got when I turned 18.

"There's been a murder in the trailer park tonight."

As I was flipping through a Christmas catalog today - wait, I know, I WROTE the last entry. But we get like three catalogs a day and there are presents to buy. So I was flipping through one of the sillier catalogs and came across a sweatshirt that read "Mess with me and you mess with the entire trailer park." But actually I prefer "Jesus loves you, he just likes me best."

If that catalog gave a volume discount I would be getting everyone a sweatshirt for Christmas. Sure, it's a little more expensive than Chia Pets but there is a lot more variety. And everyone can use a cheap sweatshirt with a stupid saying on it. I just wish I knew someone that really was a "Struggling Hair Farmer."

"Gentlemen, at the sound of the harmonica solo, you may come out fighting."

I am not an environmentalist. Everything is recyclable. Sure some things, like banana peels, return to the earth in just a few years. While other things like, say, prosthetic limbs, could take thousands of years to decompose. But how many of those are thrown away every year? When I was younger I used to collect all of our aluminum cans and take them to a recycling center. Not because I cared about the environment - I wanted the cash. That may help to explain the BMW.

"We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point of view."

For Christsake...

IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS YET!

There are trees still holding on to leaves.

We still have a jack-o-lantern with a candle in it rotting on the front porch.

The NFL just passed the halfway point of the season.

I haven't had a chance to pick out what I want from the Sears catalog.

Michigan has not played Ohio State.

It's cold but not 'parka' cold.

I haven't even complained about Thanksgiving yet.

Any "live" tree bought this early wouldn't make it to St. Nick's Day.

And the Candy Corn is still soft.

I understand that retailers need to start marketing their products to grab the attention of holiday shoppers. But it's the frickin' 14th of frickin' November. Let me digest my kids Halloween candy. Let me rejoice in the election day results. Let me prepare to loosen my belt for a Turkey dinner. Stop shoving Christmas down my throat.

This evening I noticed that my local Steak 'n Shake had garland and lights adorning the restaurant. Now, I like steak-burgers and thick milkshakes and even the thin fries. But, Steak 'n Shake, you are not going to lure me into your establishment in the middle of November by putting up Christmas decorations!

On the other hand, the Peppermint Latte at Starbucks is delicious.

Day At The Races

As responsible parents Chick and I feel it is important to expose our children to all that life has to offer. So we spent Saturday afternoon at the track. There is a pretty nice race track just around the corner from of us and although we have been in our home for about a year and a half, we have never visited this venue. It really was not very different from most of the racetracks that I have been to over the years. Which probably just means I need to get out more.

It was Scarlet and Grey Day at the track and everyone wearing those colors got in for free. I wore the Green and Grey sweatshirt I bought thirteen years ago in college and gladly forked over the two dollars for admission. Another two bucks for the program and I quickly realized I needed to win the first race just to break even.

We sat at a nice table in the clubhouse overlooking the track so Mo could see the horses. She was actually more interested in the mini-TV on the table. I am sure if we surfed hard enough we could have found the Backyardigans but we were not there to watch cartoons. We were there to place Mommy's hard earned cash on some horses. If we happened to eat some crappy food and have a few beers, so much the better!

Believe it or not, our horse won the first race. Our two dollars across-the-board won us over nine bucks thanks to the number 7 horse, Au Juicy Momma. That, coincidentally, is Chick's nickname for at least the rest of the weekend. Our next few picks came in fourth place, which I think you should be able to bet on. That's normally where my horse ends up and fourth out of eleven isn't so bad. We landed in the money one more time thanks to Jim's Pride and Joy. I swear that was his name. I kept the program as proof. He only came in second but winning is winning.

After losing one more race we headed for home as it was nearing nap time. That would not be a good name for a horse, Nap Time. Headed For Home would probably work well. But nothing is as good as Au Juicy Momma. At least not today.

On Preparing A Roast

To prove that one does not need to be a gourmet chef - or even really know how to cook - today we are preparing a roast dinner for the family. If done properly a roast not only provides a hearty meal it requires little preparation and clean up. And while a salad may be nice and dessert is always welcome, the roast itself provides protein, starches and vegetables - no need for side dishes.

The most important ingredient for the roast is beef. While it is very likely that some uber-wealthy fools have prepared a roast with tenderloin, such a pricey cut of meat is not necessary. A good hunk of chuck is the cheapest way to go. But today we are using a top round. Age is important for meat. Be sure to follow this golden rule - as long as meat is used within one grocery shopping cycle it is still good. Our top round was acquired last week and since we need to go shopping tomorrow, it is still fine.

Set the oven to 350, throw the meat in a pan, add a few cups of water and maybe some seasoning and cook for an hour. At this point it is time to open the second most important ingredient - alcohol. Certainly the drink is not for the roast - it is for consumption. No bad cook should be without a good drink. A nice buzz not only helps one tolerate the kitchen experience it provides a good excuse if the meal goes bad.

Potatoes and carrots make the roast more than just a slab of meat. Search through the bottom of the pantry to locate your best potatoes. Remember, sprouts can be broken off but soft, dark spots could be trouble. Peel and cut the potatoes into 1/2" chunks. Baby carrots are always good unless they are slimey. Rinsing normally takes care of that problem. If you happen to find some canned potatoes and/or carrots it makes the job a bit easier. But they need not cook as long with the roast.

After an hour of cooking - or two drinks, whichever comes first - add the carrots and potatoes to the roast. Put back into the oven, still at 350, for about another hour. Timing is crucial for the roast. Not because you are concerned with it being raw or overcooked. Just be sure your spouse gets home from work within a half-hour of putting the roast back into the oven. By then you should be done with your third drink and the problem isn't yours anymore. And as long as you have a drink ready for your spouse it will be the best meal of the week.

Too Much Sports

My life has become way to involved in sports. Well, sports and diapers. Right now I can't do much about the diapers but I need to pull back the reins on football. I spent most of Sunday engaged in the sport. Between four fantasy teams, a few on-line bets and the artice I write recapping the best performances of the day, I am hardly able to just enjoy watching a game. The fantasy teams may be the most troublesome. Two of my teams lost yesterday and one won easily. But I need my kicker to get 12 points in the Monday night game for the Sunday Streakers to win. So although I have vowed to not watch any ESPN today I'll spend the day thinking about the eighteen different ways Josh Brown can get 12 points against the Raiders tonight. Something has to give.

Although the plantings in the Garden have been sparse lately, they too have been all about sports. That needs to stop too. Sporting events provide fine entertainment but there is a lot more to life. Of course, I still have to spend the next few days writing an article that previews every football game next Sunday. That's what has been taking up my writing time. That and changing diapers.

Even the Circling Buzzards have been taken over by sports. The latest death was Red Auerbach, the long time coach and owner of the Boston Celtics. He was worth 11 points for me but I'm still in third place by quite a bit. If I could just get Fidel Castro, Jane Wyman and Roy Horn to all die in the same plane crash I've got a chance.

I would like to promise to post more articles in the very near future. I have some pretty good thoughts on election day that I would like to get out tomorrow. But I can't make any promises. There are 14 NFL games next weekend and a lot of diapers to change before then.