"I swear as god as my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly."
- Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati
Wild turkeys are able to fly. They never get very far off the ground and when they do, they are normally shot down by some guy wearing orange camoflauge. But that doesn't mean the birds should be dropped out of a helicopter.
"My god the birds are dropping to the ground like wet bags of cement."
- Les Nesman, WKRP in Cincinnati
There is little doubt that that particular episode of WKRP may be the funniest in the history of television. I don't just mean the funniest episode of WKRP - I mean the funniest of all shows. Better than Lucy and Ethel at the chocolate factory. Better than Seinfeld and his friends masturbating. Better than anything Homer ever did. Or Barney Fife or Gilligan or Hawkeye or Norm. Prove me wrong.
I swear, as god as my witness, that while typing this the theme song for WKRP popped up and is playing right now. "Baby, if you've ever wondered..." I have over 1000 songs in this random cycle and that theme song comes up? That's proof that the WKRP Thanksgiving Episode is the greatest half hour of TV ever.
Chick thinks the best WKRP episode was when Johnny and Venus were drinking on air with the cop to prove that alcohol impairs your senses. But what does she know? She also likes to watch people change other peoples living roooms. When did they jump the shark in Trading Spaces?
Wandering through the Dandelion Garden you may come across a variety of characters in my world. Some are living people, some just live in my head. Nicknames are often used to protect the innocent – and the guilty. There is Chick and the Thrill and Otis among many others. But most of the time you’ll be hanging out with Jim – a pretty good guy.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
Otis Friday - Part I
A Novel Idea
This entry may be the only rational, reasonable and akjfhkasdfhkjdfh one tonight. Don't beleive me? Just check out the next few posts. But wait - read this crap first!
Call me Otis. Some years ago - never mind how long precisley - having little or no money in my purse, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Which is precisley how I ended up in a hot tub in Denver with a woman whose name began with the letter 'S'. Sandy? Sally? Slutty? She-Ra? Strap-on? Salamander? I'm not sure.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Let's just say I could give a lecture on use of the whip amongst a small group of children.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the age of aquarius, it was the season in the sun, it was what the devil made me do, it was the stairway to heaven.
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. But he had been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and he had won 6 small drinks, 4 medium fries and 2 hamburgers. He only wished now that he had won cheeseburgers for Santiago.
I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up. I had just gotten over a serious illness that I won't bother to talk about, except that it had something to do with the miserably weary split-up and my feeling that everything was dead. But someone sent me a bouquet of peonies and 'Oh Boy!' am I happy now!
When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury. But yet he was never able to stiff-arm the defense and become a top-round draft pick. He mired as a back-up in the NFL and was scarcely seen on fantasy teams.
The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. Luckily, everyone knew it was duck season and not rabbit season. And the gunfire began. Poor Daffy.
This entry may be the only rational, reasonable and akjfhkasdfhkjdfh one tonight. Don't beleive me? Just check out the next few posts. But wait - read this crap first!
Call me Otis. Some years ago - never mind how long precisley - having little or no money in my purse, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Which is precisley how I ended up in a hot tub in Denver with a woman whose name began with the letter 'S'. Sandy? Sally? Slutty? She-Ra? Strap-on? Salamander? I'm not sure.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. Let's just say I could give a lecture on use of the whip amongst a small group of children.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the age of aquarius, it was the season in the sun, it was what the devil made me do, it was the stairway to heaven.
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. But he had been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and he had won 6 small drinks, 4 medium fries and 2 hamburgers. He only wished now that he had won cheeseburgers for Santiago.
I first met Dean not long after my wife and I split up. I had just gotten over a serious illness that I won't bother to talk about, except that it had something to do with the miserably weary split-up and my feeling that everything was dead. But someone sent me a bouquet of peonies and 'Oh Boy!' am I happy now!
When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury. But yet he was never able to stiff-arm the defense and become a top-round draft pick. He mired as a back-up in the NFL and was scarcely seen on fantasy teams.
The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. Luckily, everyone knew it was duck season and not rabbit season. And the gunfire began. Poor Daffy.
Otis Friday - Part II
'Tis the Season
Would you say that the Halloween season is too short? I would. As for Thanksgiving, well I could do without the entire holiday. Except for a few football games, there is nothing special about Turkey Day. It really only serves as a kick-off to Christmas.
Many would argue that the Christmas season is too long and I would agree. Just last weekend while searching for the final touches to our Halloween costumes, we were thwarted by Christmas displays. Look, no one celebrates the Holidays in October. And not even in November. But I am willing to give the entire month of December to Yuletide Greetings.
This year promises to be one of the best Christmases ever for me. First of all, I don't have to work. In years past I have found myself glazing hams until St. Nick wiggles his nose. In the past I have put off shopping until the last minute not because I was lazy - but I was just too busy to get to the mall. But now I have the freedom to celebrate the Holiday Season the way I truly want. And I can buy all kinds of toys for Mo. Yeah, she needs an X-Box.
And don't forget about the holiday songs! I can't wait to be singing 'Walking in some Womens Underwear' again. Maybe I should add that to the Karaoke list?
Would you say that the Halloween season is too short? I would. As for Thanksgiving, well I could do without the entire holiday. Except for a few football games, there is nothing special about Turkey Day. It really only serves as a kick-off to Christmas.
Many would argue that the Christmas season is too long and I would agree. Just last weekend while searching for the final touches to our Halloween costumes, we were thwarted by Christmas displays. Look, no one celebrates the Holidays in October. And not even in November. But I am willing to give the entire month of December to Yuletide Greetings.
This year promises to be one of the best Christmases ever for me. First of all, I don't have to work. In years past I have found myself glazing hams until St. Nick wiggles his nose. In the past I have put off shopping until the last minute not because I was lazy - but I was just too busy to get to the mall. But now I have the freedom to celebrate the Holiday Season the way I truly want. And I can buy all kinds of toys for Mo. Yeah, she needs an X-Box.
And don't forget about the holiday songs! I can't wait to be singing 'Walking in some Womens Underwear' again. Maybe I should add that to the Karaoke list?
Otis Friday - Part III
Top Ten Karaoke Songs
I have never participated in a Karaoke. I really don't have a desire to sing a song, drunk in front of a bunch of other drunk people. But if I ever did, here is the list of songs I would be willing to sing:
10 - Tequila!
9 - It's the End of the World as We Know It - REM
8 - Her Majesty - The Beatles
7 - 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
6 - Bear Necessities - Baloo
5 - Perfect Harmony - the Coca-Cola Song
4 - Great Gig in the Sky - Pink Floyd
3 - Would You be My Neighbor - Fred Rogers
2 - Jessica - The Allman Brothers
1 - Fame - Irene Cara
I have never participated in a Karaoke. I really don't have a desire to sing a song, drunk in front of a bunch of other drunk people. But if I ever did, here is the list of songs I would be willing to sing:
10 - Tequila!
9 - It's the End of the World as We Know It - REM
8 - Her Majesty - The Beatles
7 - 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
6 - Bear Necessities - Baloo
5 - Perfect Harmony - the Coca-Cola Song
4 - Great Gig in the Sky - Pink Floyd
3 - Would You be My Neighbor - Fred Rogers
2 - Jessica - The Allman Brothers
1 - Fame - Irene Cara
Otis Friday - Part IV
The good and the Bad
The Beatles coming through the headphones doesn't stand a chance against a mother and baby screaming in their play. 'Scream' really isn't the right word. Maybe 'screech', or just very high pitched laughter. Those sounds make any and all music pointless. It is best to take off the headphones, sit back, drink your beer and glow in the happiness of your family.
Enjoy the moment while you can. Before you know it your wife will be comparing your daughter's hiccups, farts and drool with the time you got drunk on Vodka Collins and passed out on a park bench.
The Beatles coming through the headphones doesn't stand a chance against a mother and baby screaming in their play. 'Scream' really isn't the right word. Maybe 'screech', or just very high pitched laughter. Those sounds make any and all music pointless. It is best to take off the headphones, sit back, drink your beer and glow in the happiness of your family.
Enjoy the moment while you can. Before you know it your wife will be comparing your daughter's hiccups, farts and drool with the time you got drunk on Vodka Collins and passed out on a park bench.
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