Everytime I leave Wal-Mart I feel smarter. Not because of the great deals on tons of crap. I'm smarter when I leave because whenever I go into the store I can physically feel my IQ drop 40 to 50 points. So when I leave the store, my intellegence comes back. Unfortunately, it's the closest place to our house to get all the crap we need and more. My blue bag tonight carried some oxy-clean for the curtains, a fantasy football magazine for the upcoming draft, some paper for the printer (and the paperless society we live in) and a pen for Chick - everyone deserves a surprise gift once in a while and for some reason she likes pens.
Walking from the store I realized that I was on my own for dinner. And there is no better way to improve on a trip to the redneck super store than a trip through the drive-thru at McDonalds. I rarely eat McDonalds. Before last week it may have been six or eight or twelve months since the last time I had some McCrap. I really don't know. But a week ago my neice wanted to play in McPlayland so I obliged. And ever since then I've had the urge to eat some more.
So at this point I realize that I am offically white-trash, at least for the evening and I may as well find the right music. Lynnard Skynnard would have been perfect or even the Eagles. I settled for George Thorogood's wonderful ballad, "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer." The mood was set and by time I rolled into the drive-thru I was listening to "Bad Moon Rising" by CCR - another perfect little gem. But when pulling out with my quarter pounder in hand I realized that the country-rock gods were laughing with me as "Free Bird" came through the speakers. I nearly paused to take off my shirt and I contemplated turning in my car for an overly large pick-up truck. I could not have asked for more. Unless of course the pick-up truck had a little sticker of Calvin peeing on a 3 with wings.
I approached my driveway slowly, wanting to savor my journey through redneck heaven. And by the way, I really don't have anything against rednecks. It's just a stereotype that I happen to be writing about tonight. It may have been spawned by the woman behind me in line at Wal-Mart buying the latest Jeff Foxworthy CD. In some ways I may actually be a redneck. I already live in a small midwestern town and we are actually hoping to buy a farm in an even smaller town somewhere. And a goat for a pet is just fun. But I really don't know what I am, so for now I'll just hit here in my Scooby Doo underwear, adjust my cowboy hat and finish another Blog.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Saturday Night Statements
Everything is better with alliteration.
Tonight's statements are brought to you by Joss Stone and the Hair Bear Bunch.
And also by the producers of Nightswimming. Look for an episode of Nightswimming coming soon to a computer screen near you.
And now, our feature presentation:
Chrissie Hynde singing Creep is a bit too disturbing.
As I sit here nearly naked I realize that my belly would be a lot sexier if it weren't there.
But Jack Lalanne doing anything is more disturbing than Chrissie Hynde singing Creep or my sitting here staring at my stomach.
It has recently been determined that a computer geek masturbating while playing Flight Simulator does not qualify for the Mile High Club. Sorry DD.
Does Richard Simmons think Jack Lalanne is.......never mind - let's not go there.
I believe that two men can embrace naked while in a swimming pool without compromising their sexuality. - KMD
The dog wants in and the cat wants out.
Right now, somewhere in France, Sheryl Crow is turning down sex with Lance Armstrong because he is not wearing the yellow jersey.
I really don't know why anyone thinks drinking in th erly aftrnon is a porblm. Its dosnt afct mw.
After a number of years and numerous arguments and more than a few serious discussions, there is nothing quite like skinny dippin' with your wife in the middle of the night.
If you don't believe me, just send your wife to my house and I'll prove it to you.
Tonight's statements are brought to you by Joss Stone and the Hair Bear Bunch.
And also by the producers of Nightswimming. Look for an episode of Nightswimming coming soon to a computer screen near you.
And now, our feature presentation:
Chrissie Hynde singing Creep is a bit too disturbing.
As I sit here nearly naked I realize that my belly would be a lot sexier if it weren't there.
But Jack Lalanne doing anything is more disturbing than Chrissie Hynde singing Creep or my sitting here staring at my stomach.
It has recently been determined that a computer geek masturbating while playing Flight Simulator does not qualify for the Mile High Club. Sorry DD.
Does Richard Simmons think Jack Lalanne is.......never mind - let's not go there.
I believe that two men can embrace naked while in a swimming pool without compromising their sexuality. - KMD
The dog wants in and the cat wants out.
Right now, somewhere in France, Sheryl Crow is turning down sex with Lance Armstrong because he is not wearing the yellow jersey.
I really don't know why anyone thinks drinking in th erly aftrnon is a porblm. Its dosnt afct mw.
After a number of years and numerous arguments and more than a few serious discussions, there is nothing quite like skinny dippin' with your wife in the middle of the night.
If you don't believe me, just send your wife to my house and I'll prove it to you.
Monday, July 12, 2004
Hot at Work
In a recent installment to the Garden I mentioned that one of the positive things about my job was that I essentially wore jeans and a t-shirt everyday. (see Lucky Day, Thursday, June 24) I don’t really want to contradict myself, but today was not a good day to be wearing jeans or, well, any shirt at all. We were working in a machine shop that has no air-conditioning. At 2:47 p.m. our temperature gage (that’s the official name for a thermometer) read 85.1 degrees. It was at that point my partner and I decided that tomorrow we would be introducing the company muumuu.
A muumuu is a traditional Hawaiian dress, normally worn by women but often worn by large men. It is known that the late, great Marlon Brando spent many a day wearing a muumuu. And if I were to happen to drop by the house of, say, Dom Delouise, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him come to the door in a muumuu. I know of at least one good friend that would live in a muumuu. He’s not a large person; he just wants to be comfortable. And I don’t blame him.
Right now there are 109 items found on ebay by searching for muumuu.
In recent times the muumuu has been most notably worn by Homer Simpson. He found out that if he was really overweight he could claim he was disabled and work from home. And if you’re going to stay at home all day you may as well be comfortable. So along with a very cool hat, Homer spent his days wearing a muumuu. Until, of course, he nearly blew up the nuclear plant. But that really wasn’t the fault of the muumuu.
To make sure I am towing the company line, I’ll have the company logo embroidered on our muumuus just above the heart. I’ll also pick out a muumuu that has a simple, non-flamboyant Hawaiian flower pattern and it will be as close to ‘company red’ as possible. Unfortunately the rules of the shop require that we wear steel-toed boots, but that’s okay. Underwear is optional.
P.S. - For a special preview to the All-Star game check out my report on getsportsinfo.com
A muumuu is a traditional Hawaiian dress, normally worn by women but often worn by large men. It is known that the late, great Marlon Brando spent many a day wearing a muumuu. And if I were to happen to drop by the house of, say, Dom Delouise, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him come to the door in a muumuu. I know of at least one good friend that would live in a muumuu. He’s not a large person; he just wants to be comfortable. And I don’t blame him.
Right now there are 109 items found on ebay by searching for muumuu.
In recent times the muumuu has been most notably worn by Homer Simpson. He found out that if he was really overweight he could claim he was disabled and work from home. And if you’re going to stay at home all day you may as well be comfortable. So along with a very cool hat, Homer spent his days wearing a muumuu. Until, of course, he nearly blew up the nuclear plant. But that really wasn’t the fault of the muumuu.
To make sure I am towing the company line, I’ll have the company logo embroidered on our muumuus just above the heart. I’ll also pick out a muumuu that has a simple, non-flamboyant Hawaiian flower pattern and it will be as close to ‘company red’ as possible. Unfortunately the rules of the shop require that we wear steel-toed boots, but that’s okay. Underwear is optional.
P.S. - For a special preview to the All-Star game check out my report on getsportsinfo.com
Friday, July 09, 2004
Friday Night with Otis
What do you think is more desperate? People who look for attention by doing something like writing a Blog or people who sit around waiting to read a new Blog? I think it’s a very difficult decision. Both people are spending way too much time on the computer and not enough time interacting with actual, carbon based, living creatures. As you stroll through the garden tonight, try to think about the effects of each topic on both the steadfast reader of the Blog and the creator of the Blog.
I recently received a download containing a number of body paint pictures. For those of you that actually don’t surf for porn on the internet, let me explain. Body painting is essentially a naked woman painted to give the appearance that she is not naked. Most of the time lingerie is painted on the woman. Often the model is painted like an animal, normally a cheetah or leopard. However, there is one very nice picture of a woman painted like a cow. She is on her hands and knees in the photo and her nipples are not painted, suggesting the woman has udders. Anyway, body painting has become a very popular, sensual art. Okay, that actually makes it sound classy. Let’s just say that it has become very popular at the Playboy Mansion. And although I have to admit that most of the time the model is a woman, one of my favorites is an elephant’s face painted on a man’s stomach, with the penis resembling a trunk. Just don’t ask if you can feed him some peanuts.
How many of you remember the Happy Days cartoon? I mentioned it recently and got some very strange looks. But there really was a Saturday morning show called The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang. It starred the Fonz with Richie and Ralph Malph, a girl named Cupcake who came from the future, and a dog named Mr. Cool. They traveled in a space-time machine and they went through different travels trying to get back to 1957 Milwaukee. The show was on for two years before the Fonz left and joined the Laverne and Shirley in the Army show. Mr. Cool, the dog, joined the army too. Conspicuously, Potsie was never invited to be in any of the shows.
Okay, so let’s pause here. Up there are two ridiculous topics that I threw out. Now what’s more disturbing? Those of you that have been waiting to read that crap or me, Otis, the one that has that shit on his mind and actually thinks people might be interested in reading it? Think about it. Either way it’s very disturbing.
Today’s trivia question: What do King Ferdinand II, Donald Rumsfeld, Brian Dennehy, Dean Koontz, John Tesh, Jimmy Smits, Tom Hanks, Kelly McGillis, Courtney Love, Trent Green and Fred Savage all have in common?
C’mon, it’s not that tough. Especially for those of you that regularly read what Otis has to say. Have you figured it out yet? What day is it? That’s right. All of those people were born on July 9th. Of course Donald Rumsfeld and Courtney Love have a lot more in common than just that.
And speaking of Brian Dennehy (yeah, he’s on that list) let’s go straight from the birthdays to a poll question. Yes a poll question. You will be expected to respond by clicking on the ‘comments’ link below. The amount of responses will determine how much more time I spend in the Dandelion Garden. (Notice how I am toying with those dorks who can’t wait for the next installment.) So here is a poll question regarding Brian Dennehy. Who is your favorite actor portraying an Alien?
a) Brian Dennehy in Cocoon
b) Robin Williams as Mork
c) Ray Walston as My Favorite Martian
d) Christopher Reeve as Superman
e) Leonard Nimoy as Spock
f) Alf
g) Jeff Bridges in Starman
h) Chewbacca
i) The Green Chick that had sex with Captain Kirk
j) Marvin the Martian
k) Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead
If you don’t like any of those choices, please feel free to submit a write-in vote. And don’t just vote – back up your decision with some good commentary. Tell us why you think your choice is the best alien-actor.
I recently received a download containing a number of body paint pictures. For those of you that actually don’t surf for porn on the internet, let me explain. Body painting is essentially a naked woman painted to give the appearance that she is not naked. Most of the time lingerie is painted on the woman. Often the model is painted like an animal, normally a cheetah or leopard. However, there is one very nice picture of a woman painted like a cow. She is on her hands and knees in the photo and her nipples are not painted, suggesting the woman has udders. Anyway, body painting has become a very popular, sensual art. Okay, that actually makes it sound classy. Let’s just say that it has become very popular at the Playboy Mansion. And although I have to admit that most of the time the model is a woman, one of my favorites is an elephant’s face painted on a man’s stomach, with the penis resembling a trunk. Just don’t ask if you can feed him some peanuts.
How many of you remember the Happy Days cartoon? I mentioned it recently and got some very strange looks. But there really was a Saturday morning show called The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang. It starred the Fonz with Richie and Ralph Malph, a girl named Cupcake who came from the future, and a dog named Mr. Cool. They traveled in a space-time machine and they went through different travels trying to get back to 1957 Milwaukee. The show was on for two years before the Fonz left and joined the Laverne and Shirley in the Army show. Mr. Cool, the dog, joined the army too. Conspicuously, Potsie was never invited to be in any of the shows.
Okay, so let’s pause here. Up there are two ridiculous topics that I threw out. Now what’s more disturbing? Those of you that have been waiting to read that crap or me, Otis, the one that has that shit on his mind and actually thinks people might be interested in reading it? Think about it. Either way it’s very disturbing.
Today’s trivia question: What do King Ferdinand II, Donald Rumsfeld, Brian Dennehy, Dean Koontz, John Tesh, Jimmy Smits, Tom Hanks, Kelly McGillis, Courtney Love, Trent Green and Fred Savage all have in common?
C’mon, it’s not that tough. Especially for those of you that regularly read what Otis has to say. Have you figured it out yet? What day is it? That’s right. All of those people were born on July 9th. Of course Donald Rumsfeld and Courtney Love have a lot more in common than just that.
And speaking of Brian Dennehy (yeah, he’s on that list) let’s go straight from the birthdays to a poll question. Yes a poll question. You will be expected to respond by clicking on the ‘comments’ link below. The amount of responses will determine how much more time I spend in the Dandelion Garden. (Notice how I am toying with those dorks who can’t wait for the next installment.) So here is a poll question regarding Brian Dennehy. Who is your favorite actor portraying an Alien?
a) Brian Dennehy in Cocoon
b) Robin Williams as Mork
c) Ray Walston as My Favorite Martian
d) Christopher Reeve as Superman
e) Leonard Nimoy as Spock
f) Alf
g) Jeff Bridges in Starman
h) Chewbacca
i) The Green Chick that had sex with Captain Kirk
j) Marvin the Martian
k) Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead
If you don’t like any of those choices, please feel free to submit a write-in vote. And don’t just vote – back up your decision with some good commentary. Tell us why you think your choice is the best alien-actor.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Tuesday On My Mind
Due to a recent drought in the Dandelion Garden I have decided to pull out the sprinkler. If I plan on maintaining the growth of weeds I am going to have to toil in the dirt every day. Unfortunately, for many of you, this will lead to a lot of nonsense. But I’m just sitting here typing and I doubt I would do it if no one was reading but I’m still doing it for myself. So here’s some crap that I’ve been thinking about today.
I plan on getting a hawk. Most likely a Red-Tailed Hawk. I have no idea what I would name the Hawk – a name should only be given after a proper introduction. But I plan to train it to hunt for me. It’s not as if I enjoy hunting or eating any rodent or rabbit or snake that my hawk would bring to me. It’s more about the bond that I would be able to develop with another creature. I have many very good relationships and some of the best ones are with animals. And I think I could have a very nice friendship with a hawk. And if it doesn’t work out, he can just hang out with the goat.
I would get a falcon but I have to work my way up to that. Check out www.ohiofalconry.com
As of tonight I have officially renamed my wife Chick. I may very well still refer to her as M in the Garden, but if you see the name ‘Chick’ think of my wife. She’s okay with it, because it’s only a nickname. I am not really sure why I chose the name but it was definitely time for a change. Besides, after watching a very bad 1960’s cartoon this weekend she has decided to call me Mightor.
I spent some time in the rain this evening. Unfortunately it wasn’t just to splash in the puddles. It was to unclog a few gutters. But the rain is still a hell of a lot of fun to be in. I really didn’t want to come inside. There is always an initial shock to stepping out amongst the raindrops. But once you’ve been out there for a few minutes and your shirt is sticking to you and your jeans start to get heavy and your feet start to squish in your socks, well, you may as well hang out for awhile.
If you’d like a more poetic reason to play in the rain, check out my archives.
That’s really all I have tonight. I could probably continue to babble some more but by the time I post this Hong Kong Phooey will be on. (If you don’t have Boomerang, get it.)
I plan on getting a hawk. Most likely a Red-Tailed Hawk. I have no idea what I would name the Hawk – a name should only be given after a proper introduction. But I plan to train it to hunt for me. It’s not as if I enjoy hunting or eating any rodent or rabbit or snake that my hawk would bring to me. It’s more about the bond that I would be able to develop with another creature. I have many very good relationships and some of the best ones are with animals. And I think I could have a very nice friendship with a hawk. And if it doesn’t work out, he can just hang out with the goat.
I would get a falcon but I have to work my way up to that. Check out www.ohiofalconry.com
As of tonight I have officially renamed my wife Chick. I may very well still refer to her as M in the Garden, but if you see the name ‘Chick’ think of my wife. She’s okay with it, because it’s only a nickname. I am not really sure why I chose the name but it was definitely time for a change. Besides, after watching a very bad 1960’s cartoon this weekend she has decided to call me Mightor.
I spent some time in the rain this evening. Unfortunately it wasn’t just to splash in the puddles. It was to unclog a few gutters. But the rain is still a hell of a lot of fun to be in. I really didn’t want to come inside. There is always an initial shock to stepping out amongst the raindrops. But once you’ve been out there for a few minutes and your shirt is sticking to you and your jeans start to get heavy and your feet start to squish in your socks, well, you may as well hang out for awhile.
If you’d like a more poetic reason to play in the rain, check out my archives.
That’s really all I have tonight. I could probably continue to babble some more but by the time I post this Hong Kong Phooey will be on. (If you don’t have Boomerang, get it.)
Monday, July 05, 2004
Ode to Dugalooga
As I sit by the pool
Sipping my second frappe of the day,
I envision a time when
The Great Dugalooga jumped off the board.
Donning a purple, flower shaped raft
He sang a catchy tune
Forever to live in our folklore as ‘Cervical Cap’.
Whether leading a thousand in a cheer
Or slapping your ass in the privacy of friends,
You have never been afraid
To give us your colors.
The music you have brought to life
Reaches far beyond intoxicated ditties.
From my earliest memory of
Bongo/Kazoo solos,
To teenage days spent opening doors of artists’ minds,
To the eccentric music mixes joining
School House Rock and Johnny Cash,
You have proven
Musical artistry goes well beyond
The performance of a song.
Other gifts exchanged in our friendship include
A gem chasing bear named Bentley,
A pseudo-blasphemous American flag,
One ‘Happy Birthday Mom!’ card,
And an ‘I’ll put a cap in your ass!’ t-shirt.
And, now, an ode to the rarest of all Dandelions.
Sipping my second frappe of the day,
I envision a time when
The Great Dugalooga jumped off the board.
Donning a purple, flower shaped raft
He sang a catchy tune
Forever to live in our folklore as ‘Cervical Cap’.
Whether leading a thousand in a cheer
Or slapping your ass in the privacy of friends,
You have never been afraid
To give us your colors.
The music you have brought to life
Reaches far beyond intoxicated ditties.
From my earliest memory of
Bongo/Kazoo solos,
To teenage days spent opening doors of artists’ minds,
To the eccentric music mixes joining
School House Rock and Johnny Cash,
You have proven
Musical artistry goes well beyond
The performance of a song.
Other gifts exchanged in our friendship include
A gem chasing bear named Bentley,
A pseudo-blasphemous American flag,
One ‘Happy Birthday Mom!’ card,
And an ‘I’ll put a cap in your ass!’ t-shirt.
And, now, an ode to the rarest of all Dandelions.
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